Faith

Where do I stand on my faith in Christ?

I have no fucking clue about it anymore. At this point in my life, I've become so turned away from the whole idea of organized religion that I cannot say what I believe anymore.

Except that there is a god. And I pray to him some nights in the quiet.

And I'm willing to believe that if God is that loving then there is no correct path, no right way, no straight and narrow. Just a faith that, yea, there's something beyond on the chaos.

Worship is simple physics: when there are harmonious tones surrounding you, and you are singing, then you feel peace. It's the same concept as when you sing along to a song. Harmony rides with peace. But religions have been able to capitalize on worship and mantras for far too long.

I feel too much like I would be led down a corridor for the prospect of a great tasting wine (Amontillado) only to get buried alive.

But the wrench in the cog of this whole faith-based crisis is my innate fear of hell.

Just a Great Fucking Day.

I'm 2\5ths done with my finals. And, suddenly, they seem manageable.

My Behavioral Bio final was easy as pie for the most part, and I got most of the extra credit questions right so I'm pretty much set on a solid grade in that class.

My World Religions final was a joke. Hell, the class itself was a fucking joke. I'm glad it's over. I'll probably escape with a C. Whatever, I'm done studying religion.

But the best parts of the day were as such: Finding half a pack of cigarettes in the room where I had my first final... Just sitting on the table... Awesome.

Finding Jailbird by Kurt Vonnegut. Awesome.

Finding a lid for my Brita filter while rummaging through the shit people are donating. Awesome.

Today has been good. Tomorrow should be easy except for the bits of studying I still have to do for Hinduism and Geology. But tomorrow is just Journalism so it'll be an easy day in the way of finals.

Peace and Love.

And I got to Paris....

I skipped geology to take a nap today--it turned out the class was cancelled. Either way, the dream I had was epiphanic and completely worth the nap.

From what I remember, I had spent three months at something called a quarterly polytechnic school or something, and I had become severely depressed, slipping into dreams that I couldn't awake from--dreams where the point was to find something that wasn't actually there. And I kept not being able to wake up. Instead, I just talked to people in the real world, but I was caught in this dream... The whole liminal aspect was something that wasn't even part of the epiphany, but it was still interesting. I called my parents up because I wanted nothing more than to kill myself. The only thing that kept me going was a girl who I only saw every once in awhile. It wasn't Kelley but I'm damn sure it represented her.

And when I finally woke up into my dorm room, I looked at the time to see why my alarm didn't go off--I thought that I had just slept for three months. And the time was correct, right on time: 3:09, but the date said February 11th. I couldn't figure out what had happened, so I checked my computer and the date was the same: Feb. 11th. 2\11\08 and I started to freak out that I have to relive this entire semester again.

And then I finally, actually, completely woke up to May 6th. And that's when it hit me. The last part of the dream where I was stuck in February. The smallest part but the biggest impact.

From it, I realized that, although this semester has had its ups and downs and lefts and rights, I wouldn't change a goddam thing. I wouldn't change any of it because of who I've become of it, who the people around me have become of it. To change it would be to change the changes that have occurred. And all the changes from the ups and [beat]downs have been great changes--in myself and others. And I wouldn't change it for anything.

I am content for once. I can finally say I'm okay with a lot of things I'm usually not okay with.