I had this thought when I was pulling my T-Shirt out of my sweatshirt: What if I've turned into myself today because I was tired of being the sacred me of yesterday? I got tired of people telling me how perfect I was, how I never cursed, never did anything bad. I got tired of that shit.
And maybe I needed change. When what is working is tired, it is no longer working. It is laboring. I wanted to work, I didn't want to labor through my days any more. I wanted to be me. Not that me is unchristian, but that me is not me. I was pushing against the vulgarity, but, more than that, I was pushing against reality. There is a difference between being of this world and being naive. I have to know so as to change the knowing. And the things I do not know about are the things that I don't need to know about yet. I will find them, and they will find me. And I will change them. And I will change you.
Tuesday, February 27, 2007
This has no title.
A gnawing, groaning, pain, etching towards nirvana.
All the good ones are taken up the tree and sodomized. Molested. Destroyed. By me and above me, below you. Come away with me.
Divine.
Alone. Trite and complacent. Trying to be, at least. Trite not tripe.
Thimbles were thumbnails' crowns.
Fear is the great drive towards stagnancy. Fear will get you nothing.
All the good ones are taken up the tree and sodomized. Molested. Destroyed. By me and above me, below you. Come away with me.
Divine.
Alone. Trite and complacent. Trying to be, at least. Trite not tripe.
Thimbles were thumbnails' crowns.
Fear is the great drive towards stagnancy. Fear will get you nothing.
Saturday, February 24, 2007
Wake up, Little Sparrow
Faith is the highest passion in the eternal realm of the soul. It is the greatest act man can show. Faith in God is the highest passion of man.
But below that, in the mortal realm of our soul, is something that often comes before it, something that often messes up our eternal realm--and that is love. Love is the highest passion of our mortal realm. It is the most strange act, having a man and a woman come together to be one while being two. Love is a contradictory action that is so important to us, that we won't eat, won't sleep, won't walk, won't do, when it's on the line or around us with impending doom. And it is tied directly into the mortal realm, like a mobius strip. Because love comes from faith in beings of God of man in faith of love. Love, ultimately, makes or destroys faith. It is the foundation for faith, it is the foundation for life. It is so foundational that it can ruin both in one fell swoop. That's amazing.
One thing that won't get you love, though, is dropping your pants in an airport. That will get you arrested for terrorism and\or indecent exposure. But I digress.
We must do everything in love, knowing how foundational it is to our soul and our being and our existence. We must begin and end with love so that we know what it is to be free, what satisfaction is, what greatness is, who God is. Because God is love and God is our destroyer. And God is our God.
But below that, in the mortal realm of our soul, is something that often comes before it, something that often messes up our eternal realm--and that is love. Love is the highest passion of our mortal realm. It is the most strange act, having a man and a woman come together to be one while being two. Love is a contradictory action that is so important to us, that we won't eat, won't sleep, won't walk, won't do, when it's on the line or around us with impending doom. And it is tied directly into the mortal realm, like a mobius strip. Because love comes from faith in beings of God of man in faith of love. Love, ultimately, makes or destroys faith. It is the foundation for faith, it is the foundation for life. It is so foundational that it can ruin both in one fell swoop. That's amazing.
One thing that won't get you love, though, is dropping your pants in an airport. That will get you arrested for terrorism and\or indecent exposure. But I digress.
We must do everything in love, knowing how foundational it is to our soul and our being and our existence. We must begin and end with love so that we know what it is to be free, what satisfaction is, what greatness is, who God is. Because God is love and God is our destroyer. And God is our God.
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
Ash on the Window
"Disappointment is the great flag of the soul that is raised, thickly and heavily, with great remorse, to let you know you've tried."
-Cassavetes.
Yes, it's a deep feeling, full of regret and remorse, but, at the same time, it is unavoidable, like smoke from a fire, like frost on the windshield. And the things that are unavoidable strengthen doubts into the feelings of the stars. Cygnus and Gemini and Taurus. They, the great celestial animals that fly with my soul unto tomorrow and all my woes. All my voluntary unemployment, and the scratching feeling at the back of my throat that's telling me I will never be happy, that I will always be me. No matter how medicated I am. No worry save all the ones that are the must.
Broken down by the bleach I will drink to make my insides white again. In purity and in love.
-Cassavetes.
Yes, it's a deep feeling, full of regret and remorse, but, at the same time, it is unavoidable, like smoke from a fire, like frost on the windshield. And the things that are unavoidable strengthen doubts into the feelings of the stars. Cygnus and Gemini and Taurus. They, the great celestial animals that fly with my soul unto tomorrow and all my woes. All my voluntary unemployment, and the scratching feeling at the back of my throat that's telling me I will never be happy, that I will always be me. No matter how medicated I am. No worry save all the ones that are the must.
Broken down by the bleach I will drink to make my insides white again. In purity and in love.
Sunset & La Cienega,1972. Immovable Movers.
Surely you must be welcomed sweetly to the overture. But welcome to the Loathing, all the hatred of self, if only to better oneself. That is pure. I believe in some kind of purity. And the betterment of man through doubt and its syndicate actions driven into light by the preceding darkness.
And the line is thin. Between self-loathing and self-hate. Self-loathing is healthy while self-hate is what leads to Death, that great immutable action muted. Enduring.
If only to better oneself. I and the Father are one!
And the line is thin. Between self-loathing and self-hate. Self-loathing is healthy while self-hate is what leads to Death, that great immutable action muted. Enduring.
If only to better oneself. I and the Father are one!
Tuesday, February 20, 2007
She was into S&M and Bible Study
Women.
Let's think about this one. I don't know anymore about them. I'm too much of a dickslap to be handled by any of them, and I'm too wrapped up in my own fear of hurting someone else to even take the first step towards a relationship. I no longer care about myself, it's the sheer implication that I'm so scared that what I am will not be something that any woman will like, will dig, will go for.
High School broke me. I was who I was not. And suddenly, I am. And I am shy as fuck. I am nervous as shit--"shakin' like a dog shittin' razor blades." It's how I seem to be, that far down. But beyond? Yea, we're all the same. We all suffer the same fate, the same reality, the same anti-reality. We are our own antithesis.
I am the Lion down the yellow brick. Down and down and down.
But enough about me.
Women.
They're God's chosen companion. They're our chosen companion. They are the first-mate and the guide and the reason why we reach port. Without a companion, without a guide, all men are lost at sea. Women are of men, but men are not without women. How strange is that? That we only flourish via the secondary, making it the first. ¿Verdad? I don't know. I think it makes sense. I have so much respect for women and all the tiring work they've borne. They are support, yet they are often the lead covertly. This is why we've never had a single president. Men need direction. And women lead and lead and lead.
Down and down and down.
Beginning again, but only over and over. Tell me the truth, I am angry. Tell me the truth, I am full to the brim with the Sadness.
I'm afraid of God. I am lost at sea.
"Caught him napping and picked him off at first!"
Let's think about this one. I don't know anymore about them. I'm too much of a dickslap to be handled by any of them, and I'm too wrapped up in my own fear of hurting someone else to even take the first step towards a relationship. I no longer care about myself, it's the sheer implication that I'm so scared that what I am will not be something that any woman will like, will dig, will go for.
High School broke me. I was who I was not. And suddenly, I am. And I am shy as fuck. I am nervous as shit--"shakin' like a dog shittin' razor blades." It's how I seem to be, that far down. But beyond? Yea, we're all the same. We all suffer the same fate, the same reality, the same anti-reality. We are our own antithesis.
I am the Lion down the yellow brick. Down and down and down.
But enough about me.
Women.
They're God's chosen companion. They're our chosen companion. They are the first-mate and the guide and the reason why we reach port. Without a companion, without a guide, all men are lost at sea. Women are of men, but men are not without women. How strange is that? That we only flourish via the secondary, making it the first. ¿Verdad? I don't know. I think it makes sense. I have so much respect for women and all the tiring work they've borne. They are support, yet they are often the lead covertly. This is why we've never had a single president. Men need direction. And women lead and lead and lead.
Down and down and down.
Beginning again, but only over and over. Tell me the truth, I am angry. Tell me the truth, I am full to the brim with the Sadness.
I'm afraid of God. I am lost at sea.
"Caught him napping and picked him off at first!"
Friday, February 16, 2007
I think music is amazing. Emotion, storytelling, and inherent connections between man. They're the great spawn of greater friendships. Both Jasmine and JP were friendships spawned by our love of one band (Jasmine being mewithoutYou, JP being the Mars Volta). When there's nothing to talk about, you can talk about music and its patterns and its words and its legitimacy.
That's why there's no musical canon, because all of it is great to someone. Even Killswitch Engage, just not to me.
But once you've got that first spark, that first connection, you can go much further than without it. And, for me, music has been that first big spark many times. Find your music, find your people.
Be your own enemy.
Believe in God.
Other things that are almost as uniting: Books, TV shows, Movies, Fashion, Language, vernacular. God. Faith.
Do not conform. Let them conform to you.
That's why there's no musical canon, because all of it is great to someone. Even Killswitch Engage, just not to me.
But once you've got that first spark, that first connection, you can go much further than without it. And, for me, music has been that first big spark many times. Find your music, find your people.
Be your own enemy.
Believe in God.
Other things that are almost as uniting: Books, TV shows, Movies, Fashion, Language, vernacular. God. Faith.
Do not conform. Let them conform to you.
Thursday, February 15, 2007
Passive Aggression on Limited Ed. Clear Vinyl.
I have this feeling right now, in the pit of my stomach, that everything is my fault. Everything down and down beyond and into the river below and between us. All those days at Best Buy that we "didn't hit budget" were my fault. All the lost socks and the headaches and the messes and AIDS epidemic and the wars and the hate. It all feels like it's my fault.
And I don't understand why. It's as if this feeling is there for no good reason save per chance selfishness?
Let's start on what I want, and things that I can have if I so choose to get off my ass:
1) A girlfriend. I want to be in a relationship. But I don't know how to start one. I don't know how to be a boyfriend. I'm a dick. And dicks don't get boyfriends, they get hairy palms.
I think that's what this guilt stems from: loneliness. I am lonely, I am blue...and unwell. Such petty remarks in the length of the Father!
Of the infinity.
And I don't understand why. It's as if this feeling is there for no good reason save per chance selfishness?
Let's start on what I want, and things that I can have if I so choose to get off my ass:
1) A girlfriend. I want to be in a relationship. But I don't know how to start one. I don't know how to be a boyfriend. I'm a dick. And dicks don't get boyfriends, they get hairy palms.
I think that's what this guilt stems from: loneliness. I am lonely, I am blue...and unwell. Such petty remarks in the length of the Father!
Of the infinity.
Friday, February 09, 2007
Uncle Mountain
So let's split hairs. Black, in American Politics, apparently means "descended from Slaves." Therefore, Barack Obama is not black. He's born from a Kenyan immigrant and "The Swiss Miss Girl." He's a mulatto and no one wants to say it.
But isn't that splitting hairs? He even said himself that if he hails a cab, they're not going to look and say, "A person who's half-black and half-white, but not technically black because of political stigma--no, they see a black man." Okay, so he didn't that exactly, he said something else less convoluted, but whatever. It's amazing that they have to find something about this guy to make sure he doesn't get the support of black voters in 2008, or Whitey.
Barack Obama in 2008. The First BLACK PRESIDENT.
I think it's going to be hard for him to straddle the line of being black and being an Uncle Tom.
He's black.
But isn't that splitting hairs? He even said himself that if he hails a cab, they're not going to look and say, "A person who's half-black and half-white, but not technically black because of political stigma--no, they see a black man." Okay, so he didn't that exactly, he said something else less convoluted, but whatever. It's amazing that they have to find something about this guy to make sure he doesn't get the support of black voters in 2008, or Whitey.
Barack Obama in 2008. The First BLACK PRESIDENT.
I think it's going to be hard for him to straddle the line of being black and being an Uncle Tom.
He's black.
Thursday, February 08, 2007
I can't let you go.
I am in a sad and terrible mood for some reason. It's probably because I'm tired, kind of sick, and really need to go to bed. But I digress.
Characters coming along well, I think. I've discovered their cognizance, I guess you could say. A lot of S&SL is non-cognizant. I am trying to make it as lucid as possible... But the understood is often more misunderstood.
Kleptomaniacal and masochistic front for war. Viva Zapata!
I have two friends and one is moving away. Do you know how much that scares me?
Characters coming along well, I think. I've discovered their cognizance, I guess you could say. A lot of S&SL is non-cognizant. I am trying to make it as lucid as possible... But the understood is often more misunderstood.
Kleptomaniacal and masochistic front for war. Viva Zapata!
I have two friends and one is moving away. Do you know how much that scares me?
Sunday, February 04, 2007
Alabama, Arkansas
Democrats and Republicans are sellouts. They've sold their soul to corporations. And nothing is safe.
Censorship is rampant these days. Between ClearChannel's early list of banned songs after 9/11 as well as the MPAA censoring artists (see This Film is not yet Rated) and the FCC destroying any artistic credo with their fines and their bullshit. Let the PARENTS decide.
Anti-Political Machines. Let the people decide. Nothing's gonna change with a ballot pull save the rhetoric.
Too angry to put more into words.
Censorship is rampant these days. Between ClearChannel's early list of banned songs after 9/11 as well as the MPAA censoring artists (see This Film is not yet Rated) and the FCC destroying any artistic credo with their fines and their bullshit. Let the PARENTS decide.
Anti-Political Machines. Let the people decide. Nothing's gonna change with a ballot pull save the rhetoric.
Too angry to put more into words.
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