LOGOS::GOD

I've been dwelling on this passage from John lately, it's the very very very beginning, 1:1 status. It's this:

1In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. 2He was with God in the beginning.

3Through him all things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made. 4In him was life, and that life was the light of men. 5The light shines in the darkness, but the darkness has not understood it.

6There came a man who was sent from God; his name was John. 7He came as a witness to testify concerning that light, so that through him all men might believe. 8He himself was not the light; he came only as a witness to the light. 9The true light that gives light to every man was coming into the world.

10He was in the world, and though the world was made through him, the world did not recognize him. 11He came to that which was his own, but his own did not receive him. 12Yet to all who received him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God— 13children born not of natural descent, nor of human decision or a husband's will, but born of God.

14The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen his glory, the glory of the One and Only, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth.

15John testifies concerning him. He cries out, saying, "This was he of whom I said, 'He who comes after me has surpassed me because he was before me.' " 16From the fullness of his grace we have all received one blessing after another. 17For the law was given through Moses; grace and truth came through Jesus Christ. 18No one has ever seen God, but God the One and Only,who is at the Father's side, has made him known.

Okay, let's start at the beginning. This is the part that tripped me out the most. "In the beginning was the Word." Okay, Word=Jesus=Light. Got it. I understand that. But the crazy thing is that the Greek word for "Word" used is logos--that is, "logic." So, Jesus is the Word is Logic. Therefore, God is logic. All things logical come from him. This is why nature abhors a vacuum. Because it's illogical. Useless things are illogical. All things made have made sense and had a purpose.

Do you see where it is going? The simple fact that John used the word logos to describe Christ set up the entire theology that we have a purpose. Whoa. We are logical creatures because the Word is God and was with God.

Before we go on, I wanted to mention the seeming oddity it is that the Word was God but also was with God. I have yet to make the clearest sense of this (I doubt the human mind is actually capable of comprehending fully any part of God), but it seems to be that since God is the Light within everything, and he is with us, but He is also in us as the Holy Ghost, then the Word is the same way. The Word is God. The Word is With God. It's the same problem people have that Jesus was God and also was a begotten from God. It's unfathomable, but only if you try and box God and all His divinity into human words as I am failing to do.

We press on.

From this logic, the light which shines in man comes--life. God is life is the Word is Logic is Christ. It goes deeper. This light is eternal, unending. God is within us as the light, or as our souls. Our souls are unending. They are what leave this grave of a body upon our deaths to be returned to the light. It is like when you shine a flashlight into a mirror: it goes out towards the mirror and then returns again. But the metaphor breaks down in that the light goes everywhere else in the room when it is refracted. Our souls only return to one place. Heaven. God's realm. The realm of the eternal.

And John the Baptist had the task of trying to explain all of this to people while denying that he was the Christ. He had the task of explaining to the blind that Christ was coming as a man to repent our sins so get in this river and let me get you all wet in his name. This is a problem considering that Jesus wasn't being recognized because we the people are blinded by sin.

Another aside, concerning the nature of Jesus creating the world and being in the world. That's like you being able to, while still functioning, go into your brain and tell it to shape up. Then dying and returning to your life here. Jesus, from the beginning of beginnings knew what he had to do. Go into his own world so corrupted by free will and make it a little bit better. He knew, too, that not everyone would believe, even 2000 years later.

I will end it here for now because it feels like I've done a terrible job of explaining it thus far. But, instead of deleting, retracting, and denying this piece, I leave it in the hopes that someone gets something started in their minds. Let the logic flow.

It breaks my heart.

The problem I feared is the problem that's occurring.

I can't meet people, I haven't met people. It's only been a week and a half. Give it time. That's rational, right? But right now all I want to do is go home and see my parents and my girlfriend and my dogs and everything that's familiar to me. Everything I disliked about Rancho Cucamonga I long for now. The traffic, the people, the everything. At least it's familiar.

And everything I loved about home is spinning around into a giant knot of longing. I want Kelley. I want her so bad that it hurts me inside to only be able to text and to talk with her over the air. So much air separating us and all I want to do is breathe next to her. To go home to her, to feel her warmth and her smell. I miss her so much.

I miss the way my dog Annie would harass you until she could lick your face. The way Alvie would growl at everything and it'd just sound like he had something stuck in his throat. The way my dad laughs. The way my mom eats popcorn with a glass of milk. The TV. I miss the Game Show Network and, soon, I'm going to miss the baseball games.

So I'll chunk it out and deal with it piecemeal. First, and foremost: Kelley. I'll get to see her and all of this in a month. But it'll never be enough. I know that the summers and the spring breaks and the winter breaks and the weekends will never be enough.

But I enjoy my classes so goddam much that I'm now stuck in this paradox of wanting to go home but also wanting for monday when classes rotate around and begin again. My professors are so interesting and it's all so awesome... But once class ends, I am stuck again with no friends for now.

It'll all come to pass... Except probably the missing Kelley bit. I couldn't get enough of her when I was home. And now I have to get all it and more in a single once-a-month swoop.

Person: Who are you?

Wildlife. Let's start there. It's something that, admitted, is a pivotal study for sure. With no ecosystem, we have no humans. Without people studying the effects of humans on the ecosytem, we may have no ecosystem and the Ice Age would surely come.

But I've got to hand it to the people who are into that. Studying an animal that doesn't know who you are or how to contact with you and probably pissed that there's a microphone following it around.

That's how it seems to be with Marine Biology. You can't just pull a Free Willy or a Flipper, latch on and ride these motherfuckers straight to Alaska to observe their eating and their mating and their migrations. They don't come to the surface enough. You'd run out of air.

And You probably wouldn't learn anything, either, because they'd probably be scared as to why this thing in a wet suit and face mask is riding me like a Prison bitch. Or they'd feel like a potential rape victim with a dark submarine lurking behind them and watching them mate. They may not be able to perform under that kind of pressure. You may even get skewed data that says they shit an enormous amount and not realize it may be because they're nervous creatures feeling like a rape victim or a prison bitch...

But they definitely would not feel like a vessel for learning about science. They don't even know what the fuck science is for that matter. They just want to get to Baja from Alaska for a little Slap and Tickle. Lay the seed. Then go home and beat their wives and mutter under their breath (in sonar, of course) "Why didn't I stay with the nice Mexican Gray Back I met down there who gives way better oral."

If I were going to do a science, I'd do something tangible. However, I can't even think of a science I'd want to be involved with because of one reason: 1) I have no fucking desire to ever fucking be a scientist. Find a picture of me. Do I look like the science type? No.

And if I do, then fuck you. I'm an artist (allegedly). I create (supposedly). The scientists do the work and I sit around and wonder why they do it.

But all the world needs all the people to form a society and keep us running. This ties back into the idea of Spiritual Gifts and the Body of Christ I learned about in Church. We are all one Person, broken into little people. And the things we enjoy and the things we undertake all benefit all the other little people and, somehow, the Person, in some way.

That's why we need the homeless. To drink all the alcohol and remind us why we're shooting up methadone now. (That could also be why we need the people who spend their lives performing urinalyses)

That's why we need the mediocre. To remind us that there's a bottom and that they've reached it and Damned if I'll ever work as a Wal-Mart greeter for all my life.

That's why we need marine biologists. To remind us that we want tangibles. Or maybe I just do.

It goes on. It's beautiful. It's essential. It's urinalyses.

Rightness. wrongness. above it all. We are slaves to morality yet he is above all of that--the creator of all that. I am in awe of that idea. Of the idea of a God.

Even at my lowest, most denying-ist point, I knew there was a God. Maybe because I had nowhere else to turn and old habits die hard. But, c'mon, the human body itself is a great example of how there has to be something greater turning the cogs. The fact that an entire person runs on atoms to click into cells to click into organs to click into fullness in just the right way? That's not the work of chance.

We have free will. The only reason God knows what we're going to do is because he's above time. CS Lewis wrote about how everything to him is the present. And I find that a fascinating insight. The whole idea that the realm of God can seperate moments that run continuous in our lives so he can listen to all our prayers. Address all our problems. That's how he's able to be a personal God. Not by superspeed or anything, but by being removed from the things that restrain us as humans.

Christ was the way that God became human. And boy would I hate to be him... All the temptation and the pressure to do what you know is already going to happeN? Whew. Fuck that, count me out, I'm gonna go get drunk and weep. I'm not that strong. But, then again, I'm also not fully God and fully man. I'm only fully man and fully meat.

If Assholes could fly, this place would be busier than O'Hare

Well, I'm here.

How do I like it? I think it'll get better once classes start, once my room mate comes back, when things are actually moving, open, and not stagnant. When I have people to talk to.

But it's really pretty, I have to admit that much. I've never lived anywhere but Rancho Cucamonga, and, damn, was I missing out on the esthetics checkmark.

But, still, there were people to talk to in Rancho, usually. Even my mom if I ever got lordy-lord-desperate.

The food is good, my bed is comfortable and warm, the coffee is good, the campus is clean, the people are nice once i get the courage to talk to them. Some are just a little crazy about weed. Others are just crazy. Though they all seem to be from Sacramento. The crazy about weed ones are the expected parts.

I've decided to double major because I'm crazy. I've decided to better myself in any way I can. It's hard being away from the person I love. I lost one of my books already. Have you seen my copy of Mere Christianity? I'd like it back. I haven't finished it yet.

On the note of that book, I feel better about God after reading most of it. It's re-beginning to make sense.

I'll probably go down to the bottom of the "j" and watch whatever movie they're showing at six. Dinner at 530 or so. Now, what to do for an hour...?

Pleas

I hate that the iPod has become the best mp3 player available. They shut down Rio, essentially. That makes me sad. I hate that the word iPod has become synonymous with "mp3 player" and, when you have something that has no affiliation with the iPod, no affilitiation with Apple--it's a fucking Creative Zen, let's say--it's still a goddam iPod.

It's sickening.

--

I don't think that the Bends is Radiohead's best album. It has too much of that mid-90's guitar feel to it. I can't describe it, but I know it involves acoustic strumming, quick hits toward minor chords, and a holisitically big, big sound.

They began to hit timeless when they released OK Computer. From then on, it hasn't felt time-weathered, even though it's been ten years or so.

--

When people tell you that There will be Blood is too long, and is boring, don't listen to them. It's a long, thick movie filled to the brims of character study and confrontations. One of my favorite reviewers online, by the name of Vern (website here) said that it flirts with greatness, and even get lucky with it later in the night. I think that's a fair assumption because it feels like a really great movie but only time will tell whether it can stand up to its own test--for time is what destroys all, rebuilds all, and creates all.

--
Thingswill probably get weirdfromhere

G;asses pff. lights off, radio off. Something amiss. Yelled at my dog. Afraid to gosleep. Getting antsy. I punched myself in the head last night. Had a dream about something and wound up punching myself twice in the temple. I'm afraid it's going to happen again to night. I almost got a black eye from it. And I'm probably going to say something outlandish tonight, too.

I think it's because I'm leaving in a week and I'm scared of it. I hae to finally admit it: I'm scared of leaving. I'm scared of leaving my family and my friends and my lover and my dogs and my town and my house and my familiar things and my comfort and everything I've ever known. I've only ever lived in one house with blood relations. And now I'm forcing myself to move to another place where the weather kind of sucks and whereI don't know anyone. If this winds up being a horible experience, I have no one to blame but myself.

And the whole idea of blame brings me to my next point. I realized that I've believed in God for so long because i have no faith in humanity. I really don't. And the iea of God being there takes everything out of human hands and puts it in his. I'm much more willing to trust a god than I am to trust a human. Even if that God is a jealous, angry, punishing, atavisticGod with no real sense of anything he's ever done, has fucked up multiple times--he chose the wrong fucking tribe in israel, let's face facts. And he even tried to repair it by sending a part of himself to get crucified. He's a little crazy.

He probably drinks too much. God is probably an alcoholic. maybe everything we are at one time came from sometthing else. And when we die, we just go to the great drunk in the sky and complain about how shitty our years on Earth were. Then we reconcile, and agree to do it again.

I think it's strange when I se people that look like other people. A lot like other people. It's as if our genetics are so interlaced that others and strangers and people we think are funny are all interrelated. We probably are if you believe the great Drunk in the sky.

If you couldn't tell, I'm actually a little mad at God right now because I'm a little confused over his entire existence. I don't even know anymore. I've fallen that far, it's true. What was once strong and solid as rock is now as shifty and foamy as the waves. I can't seem to fathom anything but enough to be enough. It seems that he's not enough. He's the creator and the cause and I want to ust blame him for everything. All I've ever done is use him as a crutch,,, I remember admitting this during some crazy-ass fucking exercise at a summer camp three years ago. I admitted that God's a crutch and not much else. i thought it was interesting but I didn't think of it much until now.

God was never anything more than a way to be cynical about humanity. Sure it makes me sad, but it's the honest to god how I feel right now. He exists, he's out there. He has to be.

He's just nowhere near to me.

EVERYTHING | am.

A little over a week and not much has changed. I think it's all a little hazy. Can't seem to get a grasp on anything that is or isn't new.

I completed Donkey Kong Country for the Super Nintendo. It may be the most socially relevant, allegorical game I've ever played. I may expound on that later. But I've been really lazy with keeping up with this thing, as with keeping up with some old friends, so I'll try my best. I'm leaving and shit. Distance. Scared of leaving Her. That's the main thing I'm afraid of. Not the room mate or the living away from everything. But the being away from my love for a month at a time. I can't comprehend it. I don't know if I'll be able to handle it without going crazy. I know I won't be getting drunk because I'd probably just start crying about how much I miss her.

And she's what God walked me into before He walked away.That final thing to keep me alive. You don't need Me anymore. All of that.

A little hazy, a little dirty. Still a little sleepy from standing for 13 hours. Not much else to say.

It's hard writing these blogs because I feel like, at times, that everything I say on here has to have some sort of crazy insane meaning. And this doesn't. This is just honesty and pity-me-ity.

Ridonkulous.