Crack your skull open. Re-form. Remiss. Caught in a stalemate, knowing you can't win no matter the stalwart. Keep breathing keep thinking keep knowing. Come to pass. Known unknown. Cramped up and wrinkled and broken and sincere and vile and complacent and pragmatic and knowing knowing knowing that something will come someday keeping the boulder from flailing you to the ground. Dichotomous mind wanting to stay afloat yet wanting to sink. Boulder versus mind. Heart weighing ten thousand pounds. Mind knowing yet no buoyancy can save thee.
Shit.
s
i
n
k
i
n
g
,,,
i will know.
Saturday, March 22, 2008
Thursday, March 13, 2008
There's a snake in my boot.
Can't sleep. Four midterms, one quiz, and a spot on my tongue that may be from all this goddam coughing or from smoking (probably the latter.) has gotten me really stressed out. To the point that I can only really sleep during the day when the night of unrest has really caught up with me. And the I end up having crazy-ass dreams about getting high and falling asleep and having a dream that my hands and feet are missing only to wake up into the first dream to find out I'm at some sort of resort, sleeping in a fancy hotel where the doors don't completely lock and the elevator goes sideways and my mom has spread a bunch of small church pencils all over one of the rooms for some reason.
And then I met Flavor Flav. And somewhere in there I started talking in my sleep and having a mid-dream that I was in my dorm, stumbling around looking for my journal so I could write all these other dreams down. Or maybe that wasn't a dream but sleep-searching or something.... All I know is that I can't sleep right now and I'm almost afraid to if I'm going to run into Flavor Flav again.
Over on Dodger Blues they posted a link to the mySpace of Eliot Spitzer's hooker. You can tell she's not a cheap one because she doesn't have platinum blonde hair and tweaked-out teeth.
I finished reading the Plague before I fell asleep. It was good but you could tell there were times that Camus was simply using his characters to spout off his personal existentialistic views. Though the idea of a plague happening is rather interesting and scary as shit.
I saw the Savages the other night. I don't know if I liked it or just thought it was kind of okay. My main problem was with the ending because it's setup as this movie that's solely about two siblings taking care of their father as he slowly fades into nothingness with dementia. Nowhere is there a tonal shift to suggest that the movie's central focus was actually the two siblings and their problems. Instead, I thought it was about the father and their relationship and coping with it, etcetera. However, when the father dies, and they say to each other, "So this is it..." the movie doesn't end. It seemed like the ending, it felt like the ending, it should have probably been the ending. Especially since, directly afterwards they go into some montaged shots of the city of Buffalo (i think) which would have made the movie have perfect bookends since it started with interesting, almost Lynch-esque shots of Sun City, Arizona. Instead, though, the movie carries on to show the ambiguous, partial successes and codas of the siblings. Everything after the montage of Buffalo seemed superfluous given that the movie wasn't about the siblings but about how fucked up their lives were because of their father.
I think it's time for bed, finally.
And then I met Flavor Flav. And somewhere in there I started talking in my sleep and having a mid-dream that I was in my dorm, stumbling around looking for my journal so I could write all these other dreams down. Or maybe that wasn't a dream but sleep-searching or something.... All I know is that I can't sleep right now and I'm almost afraid to if I'm going to run into Flavor Flav again.
Over on Dodger Blues they posted a link to the mySpace of Eliot Spitzer's hooker. You can tell she's not a cheap one because she doesn't have platinum blonde hair and tweaked-out teeth.
I finished reading the Plague before I fell asleep. It was good but you could tell there were times that Camus was simply using his characters to spout off his personal existentialistic views. Though the idea of a plague happening is rather interesting and scary as shit.
I saw the Savages the other night. I don't know if I liked it or just thought it was kind of okay. My main problem was with the ending because it's setup as this movie that's solely about two siblings taking care of their father as he slowly fades into nothingness with dementia. Nowhere is there a tonal shift to suggest that the movie's central focus was actually the two siblings and their problems. Instead, I thought it was about the father and their relationship and coping with it, etcetera. However, when the father dies, and they say to each other, "So this is it..." the movie doesn't end. It seemed like the ending, it felt like the ending, it should have probably been the ending. Especially since, directly afterwards they go into some montaged shots of the city of Buffalo (i think) which would have made the movie have perfect bookends since it started with interesting, almost Lynch-esque shots of Sun City, Arizona. Instead, though, the movie carries on to show the ambiguous, partial successes and codas of the siblings. Everything after the montage of Buffalo seemed superfluous given that the movie wasn't about the siblings but about how fucked up their lives were because of their father.
I think it's time for bed, finally.
Saturday, March 08, 2008
Fish hands running from rain
I realize now why I hung out with girls. I'm effeminate and I care about emotions. I care about reality.
I don't think I was made for this reality. Probably a different one. I'm just so unhappy and far too often it stems from interacting with other people. People who aren't in my family or my other family (Kelley, JP, Jasmine, Brad, Rachael and Ashley by default) who don't know me, don't understand me.
People who, once I've "eased in the weird," still don't get me. The final straw was tonight because usually, one of the litmus tests is playing this really nasty\funny song by Dirty Sanchez called "Dig it." And they didn't think it as funny and called me a homo and I'm completely done because of it. They failed my litmus test. And every time I try and mention something, well, meaningful, it gets shot down in a series of "Dudes" and "dicks" and "dawgs." Goes down in fucking flames.
But I know that, at the end of the day, I enjoy my existence much more than they probably enjoy theirs--caught in the loop of classes and drugs and parties on weekends. Constantly caught in a loop of a single climax per week on the ends. Why can't they have the same type of fun without the parties or the booze or the drugs? I ask myself that. I don't understand how anyone could do drugs when there's so much to figure out in this world already without altering it. I know that if I ever did Acid, LSD or shrooms, my head would explode.
Maybe I'm just being a paranoid android, I dunno. What I do know is that I can't take it much longer.
I do know that I feel caught in a crisis because I know I have to stick this out since I'm getting the education I desire. I just wish the good experience in the classroom would extend outwards.
It'll come. These things take time. Be rational. "Don't get butt-hurt."
I don't think I was made for this reality. Probably a different one. I'm just so unhappy and far too often it stems from interacting with other people. People who aren't in my family or my other family (Kelley, JP, Jasmine, Brad, Rachael and Ashley by default) who don't know me, don't understand me.
People who, once I've "eased in the weird," still don't get me. The final straw was tonight because usually, one of the litmus tests is playing this really nasty\funny song by Dirty Sanchez called "Dig it." And they didn't think it as funny and called me a homo and I'm completely done because of it. They failed my litmus test. And every time I try and mention something, well, meaningful, it gets shot down in a series of "Dudes" and "dicks" and "dawgs." Goes down in fucking flames.
But I know that, at the end of the day, I enjoy my existence much more than they probably enjoy theirs--caught in the loop of classes and drugs and parties on weekends. Constantly caught in a loop of a single climax per week on the ends. Why can't they have the same type of fun without the parties or the booze or the drugs? I ask myself that. I don't understand how anyone could do drugs when there's so much to figure out in this world already without altering it. I know that if I ever did Acid, LSD or shrooms, my head would explode.
Maybe I'm just being a paranoid android, I dunno. What I do know is that I can't take it much longer.
I do know that I feel caught in a crisis because I know I have to stick this out since I'm getting the education I desire. I just wish the good experience in the classroom would extend outwards.
It'll come. These things take time. Be rational. "Don't get butt-hurt."
Sunday, March 02, 2008
All I know is all I know and sometimes it's not enough.
That's been said by someone but now by me and I'm pretty sure I'm still the first to say it. I like to make my own pithy statements and then use them under titles like "Cassavettes" or "The Purple Calligrapher" or "Unknown," because I don't want to tout my own statements even though I really am.
Whatever. School is well, life is well. I'm figuring out where I want to live next year. I really don't want to deal with meeting and dealing with another new room mate. I know Mario, my current room mate, plans on moving off-campus and that's fine by me. I don't want to move off-campus because I moved up here to live on campus. Plus, when I'm 21, I can drink in the dorms if I so choose so there's really no need to move off campus lest I feel like driving to school again--which I don't.
You should listen to Beirut. Bradley recommended them to me a little while back and they're already in my top 10 on last.fm.
I don't have much to comment on. I don't have a TV so I haven't been watching anything though it's frustrating because I know there's TVs around and I have access to none of them. I haven't seen any movies lately because I've been in the poor house.
OH! That's what I could talk about: Eyes Wide Shut. I finally got around to watching the movie last night because I've been slowly getting through the Kubrick catalog even though he's not one of my favorites but he has his merit and his ways.
And any film maker who is as meticulous and perfectionist as he is deserves to be watched. And Eyes Wide Shut took 400 days to shoot. That's not even including post-production and everything else. I can now understand why he didn't pump out movies like Woody Allen. He was too engulfed and swallowed up by details to do that.
And Eyes Wide Shut is no exception. It's very intense and silly in the ways that Kubrick is known for. It's like he knew this would be his last film, so he went hog wild with it. He created New York in London because he hates traveling and he probably chose the names of all the shops on the sets and all the signs in the windows of those shops and the street names and everything.
But I wanted to talk about the censorship of the movie. I viewed the censored version that was created for the MPAA that has, in the scenes at the orgy that Tom Cruise's character goes to, people digitally placed in front of the more graphic simulated acts. You can tell that they were placed after the final cut and everything because they're still and poorly done and they do not fit with the flow of everything else. It's as if they did it intentionally to make you realize that there's something going on and these goddam people shouldn't be here to ruin it. Like Tom Cruise's character. These digitally added people are the ones who showed up in taxis in a rented tuxedo.
And that's why I hate the ratings system. At times you begin to stop seeing the director's vision of the writer's script and you start seeing what the censor's idea of the scene should be. Are children going to be seeing this movie if it's rated R? Hell no. Adults are. It's a fucking Stanley Kubrick film. Nicole Kidman is half-naked in the one-sheet. Parents will know. So why do they censor R-rated films? Why is there even NC-17 but to send films into a nameless oblivion?
It's fucking stupid. Plain and simple. Most people have already lost their virginity by age 17 so what's a little bit of simulated sex going to hurt their integrity? It's frustrating. I can barely even put into words the sort of frustration and madness that the MPAA brings into my mind. It is a broken system and it needs to be rebuilt. That's about it. Everything else is a red haze right now. I'm gonna go take an elephant tranquilizer or two to calm me down now.
That's been said by someone but now by me and I'm pretty sure I'm still the first to say it. I like to make my own pithy statements and then use them under titles like "Cassavettes" or "The Purple Calligrapher" or "Unknown," because I don't want to tout my own statements even though I really am.
Whatever. School is well, life is well. I'm figuring out where I want to live next year. I really don't want to deal with meeting and dealing with another new room mate. I know Mario, my current room mate, plans on moving off-campus and that's fine by me. I don't want to move off-campus because I moved up here to live on campus. Plus, when I'm 21, I can drink in the dorms if I so choose so there's really no need to move off campus lest I feel like driving to school again--which I don't.
You should listen to Beirut. Bradley recommended them to me a little while back and they're already in my top 10 on last.fm.
I don't have much to comment on. I don't have a TV so I haven't been watching anything though it's frustrating because I know there's TVs around and I have access to none of them. I haven't seen any movies lately because I've been in the poor house.
OH! That's what I could talk about: Eyes Wide Shut. I finally got around to watching the movie last night because I've been slowly getting through the Kubrick catalog even though he's not one of my favorites but he has his merit and his ways.
And any film maker who is as meticulous and perfectionist as he is deserves to be watched. And Eyes Wide Shut took 400 days to shoot. That's not even including post-production and everything else. I can now understand why he didn't pump out movies like Woody Allen. He was too engulfed and swallowed up by details to do that.
And Eyes Wide Shut is no exception. It's very intense and silly in the ways that Kubrick is known for. It's like he knew this would be his last film, so he went hog wild with it. He created New York in London because he hates traveling and he probably chose the names of all the shops on the sets and all the signs in the windows of those shops and the street names and everything.
But I wanted to talk about the censorship of the movie. I viewed the censored version that was created for the MPAA that has, in the scenes at the orgy that Tom Cruise's character goes to, people digitally placed in front of the more graphic simulated acts. You can tell that they were placed after the final cut and everything because they're still and poorly done and they do not fit with the flow of everything else. It's as if they did it intentionally to make you realize that there's something going on and these goddam people shouldn't be here to ruin it. Like Tom Cruise's character. These digitally added people are the ones who showed up in taxis in a rented tuxedo.
And that's why I hate the ratings system. At times you begin to stop seeing the director's vision of the writer's script and you start seeing what the censor's idea of the scene should be. Are children going to be seeing this movie if it's rated R? Hell no. Adults are. It's a fucking Stanley Kubrick film. Nicole Kidman is half-naked in the one-sheet. Parents will know. So why do they censor R-rated films? Why is there even NC-17 but to send films into a nameless oblivion?
It's fucking stupid. Plain and simple. Most people have already lost their virginity by age 17 so what's a little bit of simulated sex going to hurt their integrity? It's frustrating. I can barely even put into words the sort of frustration and madness that the MPAA brings into my mind. It is a broken system and it needs to be rebuilt. That's about it. Everything else is a red haze right now. I'm gonna go take an elephant tranquilizer or two to calm me down now.
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