Fish hands running from rain

I realize now why I hung out with girls. I'm effeminate and I care about emotions. I care about reality.

I don't think I was made for this reality. Probably a different one. I'm just so unhappy and far too often it stems from interacting with other people. People who aren't in my family or my other family (Kelley, JP, Jasmine, Brad, Rachael and Ashley by default) who don't know me, don't understand me.

People who, once I've "eased in the weird," still don't get me. The final straw was tonight because usually, one of the litmus tests is playing this really nasty\funny song by Dirty Sanchez called "Dig it." And they didn't think it as funny and called me a homo and I'm completely done because of it. They failed my litmus test. And every time I try and mention something, well, meaningful, it gets shot down in a series of "Dudes" and "dicks" and "dawgs." Goes down in fucking flames.

But I know that, at the end of the day, I enjoy my existence much more than they probably enjoy theirs--caught in the loop of classes and drugs and parties on weekends. Constantly caught in a loop of a single climax per week on the ends. Why can't they have the same type of fun without the parties or the booze or the drugs? I ask myself that. I don't understand how anyone could do drugs when there's so much to figure out in this world already without altering it. I know that if I ever did Acid, LSD or shrooms, my head would explode.

Maybe I'm just being a paranoid android, I dunno. What I do know is that I can't take it much longer.

I do know that I feel caught in a crisis because I know I have to stick this out since I'm getting the education I desire. I just wish the good experience in the classroom would extend outwards.

It'll come. These things take time. Be rational. "Don't get butt-hurt."