Wolf, Shadow, Sheep, and Black Socks. Still Life.

Things that get so down sometimes; you know you need a girlfriend when your best friend tells you that you need one.

Oh this the lonesomeness!

So okay, here it goes: JP is leaving. He's moving to San Luis Obisbo, almost positively, in August of next year. And then where am I? I am again lonely, again sad, again gone into myself and at home on friday saturday thursday nights. And then where am I? How selfish is this that I want him here and around so that I don't have to seek out again, to find out again just how lonely I can get. Because lonely is a little less worse when you have a best friend like him. But when he moves up and out and ceases to exist save for on holidays...What will I become but what I was once already before: lonely and seeking.

Why is life so goddamned cycical!? I feel like College is nothing but another beginning. I feel like JP's leaving is nothing but another beginning. When will things stop replaying? When will I get to finally say, "Okay, it's not going to start over?" When is this Mobius Strip going to straighten out and lace up and oh my God I'm so afraid. I put my faith in him, for I know nothing else to do. He's the one that's caused all of this, he'll make that which is loop'd, straight. He'll fix it. Eventually. But do I want eventually? No, goddammit. Because eventually has been his fucking response for the past 2, going on 3, years. I've been patient long enough, you've given me JP, and now you're going to take him away again. If I'm hitting for the cycle, I may as well bow out now. End it. End life. Not necessarily existence, but bow out of life. Fuck it. Quit school, quit my job, and sleep all day. That way, I can't have friends move away, I can't get rejected, I can't fail tests. Nothing bad can happen because nothing good can happen.

But what is good when it moves away or stays away or strays away?!

What is good in all this bullshit? What is good in all this bad?!

I'll crawl back into baseball season, I'll alienate myself. For nothing bad can happen if nothing good happens. And the cycle the cycle the cycle returns around and spits in my goddamned face. Because I really do feel damned.

And you assholes wonder what I do for fun!?