This ship is taking me.

One of those nights.

I was ready for bed by 1130, wanting to sleep.

Turned out the lights, got into bed, and my mind was off to the races.

About what, you ask? The list: next semester, registering, wondering how my first semester up here will turn out knowing that my first quarters\semesters anywhere usually turn into shit because I'm trying adjust and find my place foremost and I can't help it when academics fall to the wayside but I have six weeks left in the quarter and the paper I'm most worried about will get some consulting tomorrow when I see the professor and what am I gonna do about my religious studies major? Do I still want it? Should I take Intro to Christianity or the Hebrew Bible next semester just to give it one last chance? I'm excited about the Cinematography course, but I'm also leery of the 6 hour filming sessions... Do I want to take photojournalism or do I want to take magazine writing? What the fuck is a Freshman Interest Group and why is it a prerequisite for one of the classes I need? Will there be a seat for me in either of the biology classes? If not, then what about botany? If not then how the hell am I going to fulfill that GE? Why is college always so hard for me? Even harder than sleep? What if I take radio production, have a radio show, what would be the first song I play? The pain in my throat that last timed manifested on my tongue is back but on my gum and it almost feels like a tooth is growing in for some reason. I'm not worried much this time around. I'm more concerned with my overall health. I eat too much junk food. I worry too much about acting suave and cool and trying to impress others when the shit should just come naturally and fuck the rest who don't enjoy my company. I think I'm a homophobe, in part, at heart. Maybe in the same way I'm afraid of Mormons--that they'll try and convert me and am I strong enough to say no? All of this adds and adds and adds and builds and builds and builds so I come clamoring onto the internet to read about the classes and email the teachers and try to go back to reading about Islam for my World Religions class. Paper due on the 25th. Housing lottery on this friday at 9AM. Wake up, stammer and stamp. Say I want a single because I feel bad for having a room mate when I'm awake at three AM hammering keys like some crazed man who meanders out of the building for a cigarette only to look over through the windows of the dining commons to see ghosts moving around, eating, talking. Then to see small cars down below moving around and returning from some night I'll never know about. Never know about it like this post won't know paragraph breaks.

I'm sorry for everything I've ever done and will do. It always feels like my fault. That I'm the one who started hocking shit around only to have it come back and bite me in the ass. I feel sick in the head, I need to see a therapist but I can never feel comfortable with them. I wish I could. And they rape your paychecks by saying to come back every week for twenty years. Even though I guess it's more effective than medication though most Psychiatrists only do med checks anymore. I miss my family. I miss my own room. My headphones cracked and I need a new pair. Probably from sleeping on the one ear bud. I don't know. Ever since I got up here, those headphones have been deteriorating.

And then there's the applicable question of why am I still a virgin? Would it solve some of these problems? Should I heed the advice of some of the younger guys around me and lose it to some drunk girl? Or should I wait it out for the perfect one? I don't know anymore, it's so frustrating when everyone else joneses for it and you have no idea how to relate in this jones fest. Maybe I'm just atavistic, anachronistic--from a different time, plopped into the 21st century on accident for a purpose.

And what if I die tomorrow knowing not the highest form of passion between genders? Knowing only the soul's highest passion of faith.

I feel like I've wasted my life on precepts and I shouldn't have tried so hard for some things that never panned out. The apologies will falter the marksman's shot and the guillotine will miss by only inches, but you will still be alive and forgiven and placed among the holiest crowned and robed in purple.

--

And what, suddenly, was supposed to be a release, has only sparked more and more and more questions within my restless mind. I can't shut down. I hate this.