he took my shoulders and he shook my face

Here it is: 12:30 AM, Friday morning. I've got a solid five and a half hours to sleep before another Friday of School til 230 and then work from 3:30 to 10:30. Another 20 hour day away from my home.

And yet I am awake.

And not only awake, but fully clothed and sitting at a computer.

Why, Evan, why?

Because you're worrying your petty little head about pretty significant things that need no worrying (wives and college credits and cash and jobs and my future in general) because God and only God has control and full knowledge of this stuff? Why are you worrying?

Why now when you should be resting yourself for the day to come!

Because rest only comes to those who are content. I am not content. I am not content with solid wages and a solid job. With college. With a life that should be content-worthy. I should be able to, with my current situation, be able to look at my life and say, "That's very good. I am pleased." But, no.

Because, as usual, you are only going to point out and dwell upon the bad and\or the intangible. That's just what you do, Evan. When things are going right, when things are content, things are at their worst because you have more time to thing about everything in the future that can worry you (college credits and getting a wife) when in all reality you have a solid 6 years before these worries should actually set in. If you're 24 and still have no bachelors, then, okay. Worry yourself to death. If you're 24 and without a spouse, worry yourself shitless. I don't care! But, right now, when you can barely grow chest hair? When you're just now newly fascinated with your facial hair? Why the hell are you worrying about this bullshit?

I'll tell you why. I'm worrying about this now because I want it as soon as possible. I want to be seriously involved with someone by 19, and engaged to them by 22. I want to be in seminary by 22 and out by 24. Because by 24, in six years, I want to be complete with all this shit. Because in six years I want life to start. I want to be able to look back on and satirize all this hard work I've pushed through. If I am 24 and single and still working at Best Buy, I will be even more worried. And probably even more suicidal. I want life. I want authorship. I want ownership. I want a condo in Pasadena with a woman whom I am wedded to and who wakes up with me every morning. I'm so tired of starting over and simply wetting my feet with life. By 24, I want to not be wet at the ankles, but drowning at the head! "If I'm goin' down, I'm goin' down parched!"