Day 34 - Failures

Well, it could be worse, right?

Where are you Jannet Rodriguez? You never called me. I just wanted to be friends.

I've gotten all seven of my submissions back. And seven rejection letters. Even the Pacific Review, the CSUSB publication, rejected my submission. Wonderful, isn't it.

At least I haven't failed a class yet.

I have failed real bad at dating, and I may (probably) even fail at this whole "taking a year off" thing once I see any sort of success in the dating realm. I don't know. I just want one thing I can be proud of. And I'm trying to make it happen. Great things don't come from sitting on your butt, I know. I'm working on it. I know I'm not supposed to swear. I'm trying to become a leader.

I think the light out beyond that's cresting will be one thing worth holding. I will have success. One day.

Day 23 - Misc.

Does the greatness and the smallness of life ever get to you? For example, when I was in High School, I was in band. It was my world. And now... it's a sidenote to the great, sad, black hole four years. I never thought that I could regret High School any more, but it has occurred to me that I wasted so much on something so little... But, then again, at this computer, in this room, on this planet, how small are these keys, how small are these words compared to all of God's creation? We can't get caught up in the small and minute. There's a bigger picture. And it's depressing, that's for sure, but it's also good to have perspective and to lack meaning sometimes. To have your baseball games you watch for the purity of nothingness. Existence is based on existing. Can't you see the light out beyond the west?

There is no purpose--

Just existence. Just us. Just God. Just love. Just metaphysics. Just ethics. Just arguments. Just relationships. Just loneliness. Just oneness. Just spirituality. Just plurality. Just community. Just divinity. Just theology. Just psychology. Just theosophy. Just masochism. Just cities. Just people. Just humans. Just animals. Just roads. Just cars. Just smog. Just Los Angeles. Just you. Just me. Just God. "By faith Abraham, when God tested him, offered Isaac as a sacrifice. He who had received the promises was about to sacrifice his one and only son, even though God had said to him, 'It is through Isaac that your offspring will be reckoned.' Abraham reasoned that God could raise the dead, and figuratively speaking, he did receive Isaac back from death."

And what more shall I say?

Day 22 - Things usually not Mentioned

Welcome to the death and resurrection. This is the secret: Know Me. Know Him. I know you.

I am aware, I think, of what is meant to be done in my life. So, to put it out there:

Starting Monday, June 25th, I will be having a small group for college people. It'll either be at 5. Come if you can, the first week we'll be discussing what we'll be doing in the second to endth weeks. We all know. At my house. Ask if you need directions, my email is: evanrobertpugh@gmail.com . I am doing this for you and your honor. I want to see you, all of you, grow in God as I know you can. You know how it is.

"The Children Swing the Dawn in."

Day 19 - Insight

"I... I, I thought of that old joke, y'know, the, this... this guy goes to a psychiatrist and says, "Doc, uh, my brother's crazy; he thinks he's a chicken." And, uh, the doctor says, "Well, why don't you turn him in?" The guy says, "I would, but I need the eggs." Well, I guess that's pretty much now how I feel about relationships; y'know, they're totally irrational, and crazy, and absurd, and... but, uh, I guess we keep goin' through it because, uh, most of us... need the eggs."

-Alvy Singer, as played by Woody Allen, in Annie Hall.

Relationships are self-deprecating and a terror on our souls 49.98% of the time... But it's the 50.02%, just barely a majority, that makes it all worth doing, worth committing to.

Don't be afraid, neither, of anything. Don't cower away in fear of something either. Everything worth doing comes with some sort of fear-attachment. And that's the first hurdle to getting there. Is getting over the hurdle one to the finish line. To the finish line!!! La'Illaha Il'Allahu!

"I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, 11and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead. Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me."
-Philipians 3:10-12

Day 17 - Response

Once again, we have an anonymous commentor. I hate it when people do that. Can't you at least give a first name? Even a fake one? Anyway,

"question, why no girls for a year? and i think you take life too seriously. or maybe i don't take life seriously enough? but i seriously don't think you should ban girls for a year. i don't think you should just jump on the first girl who walks by, but who knows, you might meet someone great and it would be really sad if you don't even give her a chance because you're playing this game with yourself."
-Anonymous

Response: I am going cold turkey on women for a year to learn how to appreciate them, the basic spiel is held in the "Day 1" post on May 25th, 2007. I don't want the stress, I want their friendship. And, if I meet someone great, they'll be great enough to understand my commitment to this and I really think that any sort of relationship I have with that great girl would be solidified by this year of not fooling around and let emotions get in the way. Have a real connection, y'know?

Finally, I don't think this is a game I'm playing with myself. Solitaire's a game I play with myself. I'm doing this to peel away the seriousness. This is my attempt at meaning nothing, because dating makes every gesture, every swing and sway of the eyes and hair, mean something, insinuate something, cause worry. I don't want to worry about that for a year, I just want to be friends. It's too much to worry about what she's trying to tell me. Now I don't have to. And if she's so great, she'll be around on May 25th, 2008 to take me in her arms, becoming a lesson in patience for her. Maybe that's what God would need for her, if I am to meet someone great through these next few months. Who da hell knoes, thoughs?

Day 15 - Lion's Mane

"and love is a tired symphony
you hum when you're awake
and love is a crying baby
Mama warned you not to shake
And love's the best sensation
hiding in the Lion's Mane."

-Iron and Wine, "Lion's Mane"

The lion, in many common threads and cultures, represents the Christ: wild, courageous, king of the land. The golden lions of The old man and the sea that the titular old man dreamt about were the courageous, golden, coming home.

I like the final line of this stanza for the very reason of what it means to me: that love is within the Lion's Mane--love hanging on like a cub to the mane of the lion. That love is contained and created within Christ is to begin, but you must find love first. And it's hiding in the mane. To be able to touch the mane of a lion, you must know it well, because, otherwise, it will eat you alive (much like religion's scariness). The more you are comfortable with the wild lion, the closer you can get. And only in such closeness with the Father, with the courage and the King, will you be able to even begin to search for the love hiding in the lion's mane. It begins and ends with the Lion. Aslan, all that.

In the end,
"Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love." [And love is real.]
1 John 1:9

"Finish it."

Day 8 - Already?

It's getting tough, and we're only 8 days in. I sat next to a friend in my Poli-Sci class, and kept getting these, like, "Flirt with me," vibes from her, and I had to resist, what with this admitted year-off under progress. Talk about self control. Same with a girl who works at Petsmart. Of all places. She's nice too, probably'd make a nice friend. You know how it is: Building nothing, right? Let things have no meaning and drift into esthetics instead of esoteric divinity. It's okay, it really is, I think. I'm working on not trying to mean something all the time. It starts with these girls and ends with the fact that everything seemed to have to imply something, or be meaningful for it to be worthwhile when, in reality, it's not the case. And I think that me trying to write what's happening in my life has become me trying to find meaning enough in everything. Believing this insanity? I sure am.

Aside: I was talking to a friend about how Coldplay is just ripping off Radiohead's The Bends and Pablo Honey. And so another friend put it on to see what I was talking about. And the first friend stated, "God, can you put something on that doesn't sound it's from Garden State?" Funny thing is that Radiohead isn't on the Garden State soundtrack while Coldplay is. So there was the implicit admittance of their connection. Whoa. I didn't say anything, though, because it's a little undercurrented, I guess. Just funny how things work out that way, right?

Day 6 - Mostly Baseball and an announcement

It's getting easier. I want to be friends mostly. I like friendship. There's less turmoil and no worry about breaking up... Nothing awkward, just purity between two souls. Honesty. Serenity. Peace and Serenity, 1972.

We got a new dog, her name is Annie. She's a cute little dog.

Dodgers got routed by the Nationals today after shutting them out 2 games in a row (10 to 0, 5 to 0). They lost 11 to 4. Stupid.

Memorial Service for Mark S. Etzen (Celebration of his life)
Date: Saturday, June 9, 2007
Time: 11:00 AM - reception afterwards
Where: CBC (Community Baptist Church)
Address: 9090 19th St., Rancho Cucamonga, CA 91701
Directions:
210 Frwy
(S) on Carnelian
(E) or (L) on 19th Street (It's the 1st turn)
NW Corner of 19th Street & Beryl Street
In lieu of flowers, Mark had requested that people
donate towards his most recent ministry:
CBC Church Planting Fund
9090 19th St.
Rancho Cucamonga, CA 91701