It only makes me cranky.

I shouldn't be dating right now, I'm leaving... but there always seem to be something that hinders my search to deny my seeking...

And it's generally a someone...

which is weird, on the whole, becaues I am very picky when it comes to women, I've decided, even though I'm not when it comes to how beautiful and wonderful they are as beings. I'm picky because of my two most important things: Sex and religion. I realized, with the help of Alycia, that I need a girl who's ontologically and theologically parallel to what I believe, so that instead of butting heads on the issues of divinity and sanctificaion every night before burning down into lustful, passionate hate-sex on our honeymoon, we can actually love each other. I believe that a relationship should exist within the scope and wingspan of God Almighty. If I were to be dating a non-christian girl, I realized (and should've known all along) that we would be away from Him. And I've been away from Him for far too long.

But Christians are so easy to come by, they're a quarter of the population of the Earth, apparently. And that's where the second standard comes into play, because if a girl is a Christian virgin, then that means she actually cherishes her beliefs and values her, well, values. Sex is the highest passion between two souls (Faith is the highest passion of a single soul), and I believe that it is a passion that can only be met between a man and a wife. I've been asked if it seems scary to do that, to have Sex with one woman for your entire life. And my response is, generally, "Yea, well, it's still Sex." And I'm willing to bet that the 1000th time with my future and always wife will be better than my 1000th woman (I'm looking at you, Gene Simmons, for confirmation) and the whole idea that that rests upon is love. The idea that love in the wingspan of God will be the solid bedrock of all nights of great Sex, disappointing Sex, average Sex, and baby-makin' Sex, instead of having the bedrock being lust-fulfillment and pleasure.

The problem I find with premarital Sex likes in the idea that once the penis goes in, it never really comes out. Once two bodies are made one, they're never really detached from that other person. Our souls are a little like fly paper in that, once that great region of love is reached with a person, we are stuck with them, onto them, within them. And, so, to escape that, you lose a leg. And so the next person you have sex with gets a one-legged fly. Continue this process, and you are eventually a decrepit soul with nothing but your genitals left. And no girl, really, just wants a penis. And guys think they just want a vagina. But we all really want emotions and passion and legs and arms and touch and taste and smell and full-bodied connection (I hope). Not just connection with the vulva or the testes or the clitoris.

And that's what I want to give to my wife on my wedding night. I will give to her, lay down on her fly paper my arms and legs and feet and hands and head and tongue and heart and eyes and nose and mouth and teeth and lungs and kidneys. I will lay those at her feet and say, "I give you all of this. You caught me. I am wholly, and fully, yours."

And I really doubt that a non-virgin girl would understand that concept. And, even if she did,
I still wouldn't have all of her. She'd be missing a leg, while I would be whole, and there would be a gap between us. And I would feel intimidated. And we couldn't be together because I'd always wonder if I'm taking her places her other partner(s) have or taking her nowhere in comparison. And then that would probably cause perennial Whiskey Dick.

But, apparently, this is all pussy-talk and if I were a real 19-year-old college student, I would have at least gotten head by now. At least.

Don't be afraid of persecution, don't be afraid of despondency because you haven't found another who feels the same way. We'll all find that someone who will give themselves fully to us on our flypaper wedding bed. And it'll be "whoa baby...like Charles Bronson in the Great Escape."