Great night for insomnia

There was a lunar eclipse. We actually got use out of our telescope. I would have missed it had I been like any sane person and been asleep at 4 in the morning. Instead, I got to run around my house in my pajamas with a telescope. It was exciting. And the telescope must be made of aluminum because damn was it light.

It was basically a great moment in an otherwise shitty day. And I say shitty in the most literal sense. I awoke at around 8 or 9 in the morning feeling completely constipated, with my stomach feeling like a cow's when you need to stab it to alleviate the bloating. I wanted to stab myself to get the shit out it was so bad. Instead, I gagged myself into the bathtub, vomit that even looked like shit. I was surprised, and said to myself upon that observation, "Golly, there must be a lot in there." At this point I was being a little baby, wailing for my mom to do something because I was completely immobilized. So she brought me water and I drank it and tried to throw up again. No dice. Instead, I sat there, hearing the squeaks of immovable feces caught in some serious LA traffic in my large intestines.

At least I had a stroke of genius. I asked my mom if we had any castor oil, something no sane person should ever do except in the worst of circumstances. Castor oil is the king of laxatives, giving no remorse to the taker. I took two teaspoons of that, stumbled toward my phone and called my work, telling'em in one of the most distraught voices I've ever heard come out of me, "I think I ate something rancid and I really don't feel good, so I won't be able to make it into work." I had the afternoon off to shit myself to death. I then waddled into my mom's bed for some reason, the only one I can assume is because it's closer to the ground and easier to get in\out of. And because it's cooler in there.

I had forgotten to turn off my work alarm for 2 PM, but, once it went off and I awoke, we were off to the races. The shit races. I sat down and what couldn't happen this morning happened in bulk. It's like getting turned away from a fancy restaurant with small portions and then getting into Costco. It wasn't a gerbil-pellet-shit-fest. This was some serious shit. That castor oil tasted bad for a reason: because it's Satan's laxative. Between the hours of 2 and 730PM, I lost about three pounds, and read about a chapter of America: The Book, a funny, but arduous history book by the "Daily Show" writers. I felt completely wiped out.

I fell asleep at about 8PM, and you'd think I'd have slept straight through with the kind of sick day I had. Instead, I woke up at 2AM and finished watching the Dodger game (They won, Derek Lowe's "stuff" wasn't his best, though. Dickhead gave up three homeruns in six innings of work).

So I'm gonna now go to bed, rate some songs on my iPod (it's actually a lot of fun to comprise "Smart Playlists" of your three, four, and five star songs and then listen to just the songs you absolutely love or just kind of like.), wake up at noon, go the gym, try and gain some of this fucking weight back as muscle (instead of shit stuck in my intestines), go to work, then go out on the town.

I love you all. And I'm sorry if this was absolutely gross. Wait a second, no I ain't. Misery is hilarity!