Are we afraid of the term "meditation?" We call it quiet time, even though it's truly meditation... It's not as imperative as in the Eastern religion, but it seems that it's just as important for our understanding of the nature of God and all his crazy antics.
Meditation and the clarity and the fishing down deep is all pivotal. But why can't we call it meditation? Euphemisms will destroy our world.
Sunday, December 31, 2006
Saturday, December 30, 2006
Black on both sides
I have a problem with authority. Especially when I disagree with the ideology of the company that I work for. Even when I do agree with them, I still have a problem with others telling me what to do. No matter how much they're paying me. No matter what the consequence.
Some would say that a man would suck it up and deal with it, but I was raised that a real man rises up for what he believes. Even Jesus did it.
And Best Buy, you've turned my heart into a den of thieves.
We are hip hop. You, me, everybody. It's goin' where we goin'.
Some would say that a man would suck it up and deal with it, but I was raised that a real man rises up for what he believes. Even Jesus did it.
And Best Buy, you've turned my heart into a den of thieves.
We are hip hop. You, me, everybody. It's goin' where we goin'.
Reach Out. Time. Requiem.
Perchance,
it is requiem.
Or, perchance,
it is time.
Time to reunite old love,
with new divine,
to take the word
and leave it bare-boned
and aleatoric.
Back unto its own basics.
Time to knock the whole pretentious lot
out on its whore-ass.
The whole convention and all its bullshit.
And to push forward, against.
For without a push to begin,
how can there be a push to
end.?
--
Believe in God.
it is requiem.
Or, perchance,
it is time.
Time to reunite old love,
with new divine,
to take the word
and leave it bare-boned
and aleatoric.
Back unto its own basics.
Time to knock the whole pretentious lot
out on its whore-ass.
The whole convention and all its bullshit.
And to push forward, against.
For without a push to begin,
how can there be a push to
end.?
--
Believe in God.
Friday, December 29, 2006
We'll call it Christmas when the adverts start
Does the world actually exist? What actually exist? What is it existence?
If Paul calls us to not be of the world, what does that mean? It has often been interpreted to mean the things that go against our beliefs, and, yes, that does make sense. But what of our beliefs but love and faith in Christ as God? Is the world, then, simply the things that are not in love and contradict our faith in Christ as God? Is then premarital sex of this world? It's an act done in love, surely, but, at the same time it sometimes drafts consequences of regret. And regret leads to despondent acts.
And if the world is only the cause of a chain of events, what do we make of the paternal acts? What of the creation? Even that was a chain of events for God to say, "It is done, I can rest. My God was that a long six days." That first day. Our first day, our first act.
Then is the only thing of this world our final breath and our final repercussion for all things are linked? Then is being not of this world simply being?
But, oh, how it deepens, when you consider that we start dying the moment we are born.
What is it to be of the world? What is the world? Do either exist? Are we as Christians focusing too much on our physical actions, those that are often called worldly, when it's really the ontological actions, our acts that effect our state of being?
Oh how shallow Christianity is!
If Paul calls us to not be of the world, what does that mean? It has often been interpreted to mean the things that go against our beliefs, and, yes, that does make sense. But what of our beliefs but love and faith in Christ as God? Is the world, then, simply the things that are not in love and contradict our faith in Christ as God? Is then premarital sex of this world? It's an act done in love, surely, but, at the same time it sometimes drafts consequences of regret. And regret leads to despondent acts.
And if the world is only the cause of a chain of events, what do we make of the paternal acts? What of the creation? Even that was a chain of events for God to say, "It is done, I can rest. My God was that a long six days." That first day. Our first day, our first act.
Then is the only thing of this world our final breath and our final repercussion for all things are linked? Then is being not of this world simply being?
But, oh, how it deepens, when you consider that we start dying the moment we are born.
What is it to be of the world? What is the world? Do either exist? Are we as Christians focusing too much on our physical actions, those that are often called worldly, when it's really the ontological actions, our acts that effect our state of being?
Oh how shallow Christianity is!
Sunday, December 24, 2006
Crimson Clover and Bastard Synergy. And, you, yourself? How are you?
I'm cutting my hair, I'm getting the fuck out of Dodge.
With love and regards, but never contempt or approval, I've cynically lived my life. God's not dead, he's just in my own soul's coma.
Fuck love in the INLAND EMPIRE.
With love and regards, but never contempt or approval, I've cynically lived my life. God's not dead, he's just in my own soul's coma.
Fuck love in the INLAND EMPIRE.
Thursday, December 21, 2006
All, All we'll ever have.
It is.
My problem with Mormonism does not stem from their beliefs, their stigma, their theosophy, no. What it stems from is the fact that they believe "The same priesthood authority that existed in the original Church established by Jesus Christ exists in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints today." (Divine Priesthood Authority) What Church did Christ set up? Wasn't it Peter who was the first Pope? All Jesus did was teach and lead, not organize. He organized no one, they followed him of their own will. The church was setup by the Apostles.
The more I read about the religion, the more it disgusts me. I don't understand--their beliefs are, at their core, the same, and yet it all has a false sense about it. But then doesn't every church?
Maybe it's that it has no true history, that it's a new religion. Most religions have a culture. And the culture of Mormonism seems to be, despite their President's open statement otherwise, of the white upper-middle to upper-class American. They are anti-gay marriage and think that it is simply an inclination that can be fought against. And we thusly disagree about that. But, hell, this is some of the smartest thinking about marriage I've heard:
"The Apostle Paul taught that “neither is the man without the woman, neither the woman without the man, in the Lord” (1 Corinthians 11:11).
They believe in a Purpose Driven Life like Rick Warren, but they're more bureaucratic and step-driven about it. Repentance, Forgiveness, Priesthood, Saving Yourself all have steps to do.
There seems to be no room for individuality in the church, despite my meeting completely different mormons. They have rules for everything, like their own Torah. They have brought back the legalism of the Sadducees, it seems. Maybe they will bring about the second coming because God's so pissed off about the fact that they're doing exactly what he preached against.
Loving one another, Faith in Christ as your Lord and Savior, and Self Sacrifice. Everything else will come thusly. That's what I believe. Those are my believes. Sit on it.
Oh, and I also believe that Capitalism is organized crime. But that's another topic.
My problem with Mormonism does not stem from their beliefs, their stigma, their theosophy, no. What it stems from is the fact that they believe "The same priesthood authority that existed in the original Church established by Jesus Christ exists in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints today." (Divine Priesthood Authority) What Church did Christ set up? Wasn't it Peter who was the first Pope? All Jesus did was teach and lead, not organize. He organized no one, they followed him of their own will. The church was setup by the Apostles.
The more I read about the religion, the more it disgusts me. I don't understand--their beliefs are, at their core, the same, and yet it all has a false sense about it. But then doesn't every church?
Maybe it's that it has no true history, that it's a new religion. Most religions have a culture. And the culture of Mormonism seems to be, despite their President's open statement otherwise, of the white upper-middle to upper-class American. They are anti-gay marriage and think that it is simply an inclination that can be fought against. And we thusly disagree about that. But, hell, this is some of the smartest thinking about marriage I've heard:
"The Apostle Paul taught that “neither is the man without the woman, neither the woman without the man, in the Lord” (1 Corinthians 11:11).
In marriage, as before God, men and women are equally important.
Marriage gives neither partner the right to dominate or abuse the other. Rather, husband and wife should help each other as equal partners." (link)They believe in a Purpose Driven Life like Rick Warren, but they're more bureaucratic and step-driven about it. Repentance, Forgiveness, Priesthood, Saving Yourself all have steps to do.
There seems to be no room for individuality in the church, despite my meeting completely different mormons. They have rules for everything, like their own Torah. They have brought back the legalism of the Sadducees, it seems. Maybe they will bring about the second coming because God's so pissed off about the fact that they're doing exactly what he preached against.
Loving one another, Faith in Christ as your Lord and Savior, and Self Sacrifice. Everything else will come thusly. That's what I believe. Those are my believes. Sit on it.
Oh, and I also believe that Capitalism is organized crime. But that's another topic.
Wednesday, December 20, 2006
Syncopation
Is it immature to fuss about the immature? What is immature? People have made a lot of money off of immature things, you know (cf. Jackass and the entire MTV generation).
And what if sin is relative? As in, what is sin to me is not to you. Ignoring the obvious agreeables like murder and theft, etc., where does the line get drawn? Is there a line? Or are the minor sins and minor issues always to be debated? That seems more like it. The ambiguous is always what gets argued most. That's why baseball is popular. It's ambiguous--no time and enough flexibility to have a game go for as long as 5 hours and as short as 1 hour.
I just realized I've been wearin two different types of socks all day.
"Do you still want to hang out today?" I asked
"No, Evan, it's too late." she replied
"I will find out, one day."
Go see INLAND EMPIRE. It's not about the Inland Empire.
--
Currently, I think what's the biggest thing on my list is to "get the fuck outta Dodge." Usually it's find love and all that metaphysical bullshit, but, really, what do I have here in Rancho Cucamonga? My social network was slashed and thus collapsed after graduation, and the one part is moving away, so fuck you, I'm moving away too.
There is nothing for me here.
I will find out one day.
We are truly blind to what our conscience doesn't want to see.
And what if sin is relative? As in, what is sin to me is not to you. Ignoring the obvious agreeables like murder and theft, etc., where does the line get drawn? Is there a line? Or are the minor sins and minor issues always to be debated? That seems more like it. The ambiguous is always what gets argued most. That's why baseball is popular. It's ambiguous--no time and enough flexibility to have a game go for as long as 5 hours and as short as 1 hour.
I just realized I've been wearin two different types of socks all day.
"Do you still want to hang out today?" I asked
"No, Evan, it's too late." she replied
"I will find out, one day."
Go see INLAND EMPIRE. It's not about the Inland Empire.
--
Currently, I think what's the biggest thing on my list is to "get the fuck outta Dodge." Usually it's find love and all that metaphysical bullshit, but, really, what do I have here in Rancho Cucamonga? My social network was slashed and thus collapsed after graduation, and the one part is moving away, so fuck you, I'm moving away too.
There is nothing for me here.
I will find out one day.
We are truly blind to what our conscience doesn't want to see.
Tuesday, December 19, 2006
Water runs from the snow.
Fear of nihilism and cynicism and disenfranchisement in a city of franchises.
I am going to be visiting Humboldt University this next week, hopefully. I am thinking of transferring there, all 760 miles north of it.
I want to be transformed. I want to free my mind. I want to laugh. I want to experience the Redwood Coast.
I want metaphysical enlightenment. And I can't achieve that here. I want to experience, I want to live.
And I can't achieve that here where opportunities to be the over-man (cf. Thus Spoke Zarathustra) are far too prominent. Not to say you're dumb, but I always feel apopletic, bursting onto others. I've taught you all I know, and I must move on. See? Nihilism.
Although, I probably will be back to live in SoCal again because I plan on going to Fuller Seminary in Pasadena for my Masters or Doctorate in Theology.
With JP moving, my whole social network moves north. And what do I have for me here if all I was staying around for was friends? Most damn near abandoned me, became their own over-man. Yea, well, fuck you. I'm leaving.
--
Go see David Lynch's INLAND EMPIRE. It's not about what you think it is.
"A Woman in Trouble."
I am going to be visiting Humboldt University this next week, hopefully. I am thinking of transferring there, all 760 miles north of it.
I want to be transformed. I want to free my mind. I want to laugh. I want to experience the Redwood Coast.
I want metaphysical enlightenment. And I can't achieve that here. I want to experience, I want to live.
And I can't achieve that here where opportunities to be the over-man (cf. Thus Spoke Zarathustra) are far too prominent. Not to say you're dumb, but I always feel apopletic, bursting onto others. I've taught you all I know, and I must move on. See? Nihilism.
Although, I probably will be back to live in SoCal again because I plan on going to Fuller Seminary in Pasadena for my Masters or Doctorate in Theology.
With JP moving, my whole social network moves north. And what do I have for me here if all I was staying around for was friends? Most damn near abandoned me, became their own over-man. Yea, well, fuck you. I'm leaving.
--
Go see David Lynch's INLAND EMPIRE. It's not about what you think it is.
"A Woman in Trouble."
Saturday, December 16, 2006
Lapping Currents
I am a hypocrite. I suffer from the nihilism I preach against. This has reared its ugly head, and now I feel like I'm in need of some sort of cleansing.
I do think I am better than you, a lot of the time, because I've come to these "great revelations." But in all reality, it's just a bunch of bullshit. And who am I to judge?
--
JP's going to San Luis Obisbo. I am happy for him and sad for myself. I am such shit at meeting new people too, at getting some sort of sweeping confidence. I guess that's what defeat does to you. And I'm shy and paranoid.
And love. Love will ultimately be your defeat as well as mine. Probably mine first since I'm so insanely in love with the idea of being in love. How gay is that.
I do think I am better than you, a lot of the time, because I've come to these "great revelations." But in all reality, it's just a bunch of bullshit. And who am I to judge?
--
JP's going to San Luis Obisbo. I am happy for him and sad for myself. I am such shit at meeting new people too, at getting some sort of sweeping confidence. I guess that's what defeat does to you. And I'm shy and paranoid.
And love. Love will ultimately be your defeat as well as mine. Probably mine first since I'm so insanely in love with the idea of being in love. How gay is that.
Friday, December 15, 2006
The LandLord's daughter
I think the problem with my social awkwardness, and oft disdain, lies within the esoteric. Not so much things that are esoteric, but things within common things that are esoteric. Like, "I'm gonna kill you, mothafucka!" which I said to my dad tonight. That's from a Dr. Dre song. But who would honestly know that? Or "That's just how it goes I guess," how would anyone know that that's from a mewithoutyou video on YouTube from Cornerstone 2006? "You shot Marvin in the face!?" is another good example (Pulp Fiction). Or, during Apocalypto (absolute shit. Don't see it.), I shouted, "BEES!" during a scene where the pursuers get attacked by bees. Funny out of context, sure. But funnier in the context of my dad's story about a co-worker shouting it in a high-pitched voice over the radio on the train.
I try not to worry about what others think of me, but when all I have to call on a Thursday afternoon is a friend, an ex-girlfriend, and someone who I really doubt wants to hang out with me, as apologetic as she is and can be, I begin to wonder if I should care so that I have some sort of network to get me off my ass.
I've had a very existential week. nothing to be done, nothing to do but wait for 3 o'clock Friday when I work. Godot is coming, and I will probably get called off. "Godot will not be able to come today, but if you come back tomorrow..." I've gotten really depressed and have begun to sleep a lot. It's the closest to time-travel that I can get. It's the nicest thing. It's the hardest way to make an easy living. See? There's another one. That's the title of the Streets' ablum, "The Hardest Way to make an easy living."
I try not to worry about what others think of me, but when all I have to call on a Thursday afternoon is a friend, an ex-girlfriend, and someone who I really doubt wants to hang out with me, as apologetic as she is and can be, I begin to wonder if I should care so that I have some sort of network to get me off my ass.
I've had a very existential week. nothing to be done, nothing to do but wait for 3 o'clock Friday when I work. Godot is coming, and I will probably get called off. "Godot will not be able to come today, but if you come back tomorrow..." I've gotten really depressed and have begun to sleep a lot. It's the closest to time-travel that I can get. It's the nicest thing. It's the hardest way to make an easy living. See? There's another one. That's the title of the Streets' ablum, "The Hardest Way to make an easy living."
Tuesday, December 12, 2006
I let the Beast in too Soon
I received this comment from Anonymous. Don't be anonymous anymore, it pisses me off. I digress. Anyway, This is it, regarding my previous post:
What is not of God, if he created everything--from the land to the sea to the birds to the people? Sure, the body of sin has been done away with, but what about our intrinsic desires and our intrinsic soul? Isn't that the most inherently evil thing known? All those animal urges are considered evil, and they are the foundation of which we are built. If, then, those instincts are of this world and are inherently evil, then does make a creature of pure instinct, like a dog, completely evil and thus to be destroyed?
Even language, all language is from God--it is the one thing that discerns us from the animals.
I do not conform to our government completely because I believe it is evil, yet necessary. I do not conform to our corporations because I believe they are worldly and greedy and the most innately evil thing we know of. But, once again, how do we escape these things except for being Amish? Except by becoming a recluse in a forest, writing our manifestos like the UniBomber? Everything is evil, it seems, and the only thing that seperates us from this world is our faith. Our faith is not of this world. That's the one thing that is completely detached. The metaphysical, that which does not take up matter. Those are the things that are not of this world. The rest falls beneath. Faith, love, liberty, the metaphysical.
Then, then, we could go to the extreme and say that, "Since we, according to Romans 6, are dead to sin, we can no longer sin, and thus everything we do is sacrosanct." But that's just bullshit. Maybe.
I can agree with this person, but it just brings up more questions. That's all.
And, again, I have to ask the question of: Why is cursing and swearing considered evil? That's one thing that I just don't get. So I ask again.
Two other things:
Romans 16:8 is actually, "Greet Ampliatus, whom I love in the Lord." Not quite the same effect. I think he\she meant 16:18, but, even then, I have a different translation, including 17 "I urge you, brothers, to watch out for those who cause divisions and put obstacles in your way that are contrary to the teaching you have learned. Keep away from them. For such people are not serving our Lord Christ, but their own appetites. By smooth talk and flattery they deceive the minds of naive people." The Naive people can be deceived. There's a difference between innocence and naivete. I am innocent because I am a virgin and "straight-edge." I am not naive because I know the inner workings of this good earth.
--
Danielle Cobb sent me a message and told me to stop being so negative. So here it is: Ten Nice Things about Life
1) Music
a) Fiona Apple, Joanna Newsom, mewithoutYou, Devendra Banhart, the Decemberists (O Valencia!)
2) Film
b) Directors: David Lynch, Quentin Tarantino, Darren Aronofsky; Actors: Elijah Wood, Shia Labeouf; Actresses: Naomi Watts, Laura Dern, Isabella Rossallinni.
3) The Philanthropic.
c)That Guy who invented the segue, specifically. He's fricken amazing.
4) Laughter.
d) needs no explanation. Smiling is excellent. I love to smile, I love to laugh. Especially at my own or others' expenses.
5)Love
e) True love.
6) Philosophy
f) Existentialism and Nihilism and Objectivism and Christianity and Catholicism and my own.
7)God
g) To know God is to know life.
8)Family
h) the greatest friends you will ever have or will not have. I have two sisters and parents. They love me. And support me.
9)Friends
i) They often offer the greatness of the previous 8.
10) Socialism
h) It's the knowledge that there is something better. Hilary 2008. Or Obama. :)
One love.
Life is beautiful, but I often see the bleakness because that's what I've been taught by my parents. To never take anything at face value. To think critically about everything. And, although that has bogged me down in some areas, I believe it is the best thing they could've taught me. I have a job, I have my friends, I have my doubts! Amontillado!
"...but I want you to be wise about what is good, and innocent about what it evil." Rom. 16:8
I like to think that anything that is NOT of God is of the world. It doesn't always have to be a complicated thing to interpret.
"For we know that our old self was crucified with him so that the body of sin might be done away with, that we should no longer be slaves to sin." Rom. 6:6
so, since we have his blood, we aren't slaves to sin anymore, and so shouldnt let it be a part of us. I love this verse. Pull it apart and really think about it! It's magnificent!"
What is not of God, if he created everything--from the land to the sea to the birds to the people? Sure, the body of sin has been done away with, but what about our intrinsic desires and our intrinsic soul? Isn't that the most inherently evil thing known? All those animal urges are considered evil, and they are the foundation of which we are built. If, then, those instincts are of this world and are inherently evil, then does make a creature of pure instinct, like a dog, completely evil and thus to be destroyed?
Even language, all language is from God--it is the one thing that discerns us from the animals.
I do not conform to our government completely because I believe it is evil, yet necessary. I do not conform to our corporations because I believe they are worldly and greedy and the most innately evil thing we know of. But, once again, how do we escape these things except for being Amish? Except by becoming a recluse in a forest, writing our manifestos like the UniBomber? Everything is evil, it seems, and the only thing that seperates us from this world is our faith. Our faith is not of this world. That's the one thing that is completely detached. The metaphysical, that which does not take up matter. Those are the things that are not of this world. The rest falls beneath. Faith, love, liberty, the metaphysical.
Then, then, we could go to the extreme and say that, "Since we, according to Romans 6, are dead to sin, we can no longer sin, and thus everything we do is sacrosanct." But that's just bullshit. Maybe.
I can agree with this person, but it just brings up more questions. That's all.
And, again, I have to ask the question of: Why is cursing and swearing considered evil? That's one thing that I just don't get. So I ask again.
Two other things:
Romans 16:8 is actually, "Greet Ampliatus, whom I love in the Lord." Not quite the same effect. I think he\she meant 16:18, but, even then, I have a different translation, including 17 "I urge you, brothers, to watch out for those who cause divisions and put obstacles in your way that are contrary to the teaching you have learned. Keep away from them. For such people are not serving our Lord Christ, but their own appetites. By smooth talk and flattery they deceive the minds of naive people." The Naive people can be deceived. There's a difference between innocence and naivete. I am innocent because I am a virgin and "straight-edge." I am not naive because I know the inner workings of this good earth.
--
Danielle Cobb sent me a message and told me to stop being so negative. So here it is: Ten Nice Things about Life
1) Music
a) Fiona Apple, Joanna Newsom, mewithoutYou, Devendra Banhart, the Decemberists (O Valencia!)
2) Film
b) Directors: David Lynch, Quentin Tarantino, Darren Aronofsky; Actors: Elijah Wood, Shia Labeouf; Actresses: Naomi Watts, Laura Dern, Isabella Rossallinni.
3) The Philanthropic.
c)That Guy who invented the segue, specifically. He's fricken amazing.
4) Laughter.
d) needs no explanation. Smiling is excellent. I love to smile, I love to laugh. Especially at my own or others' expenses.
5)Love
e) True love.
6) Philosophy
f) Existentialism and Nihilism and Objectivism and Christianity and Catholicism and my own.
7)God
g) To know God is to know life.
8)Family
h) the greatest friends you will ever have or will not have. I have two sisters and parents. They love me. And support me.
9)Friends
i) They often offer the greatness of the previous 8.
10) Socialism
h) It's the knowledge that there is something better. Hilary 2008. Or Obama. :)
One love.
Life is beautiful, but I often see the bleakness because that's what I've been taught by my parents. To never take anything at face value. To think critically about everything. And, although that has bogged me down in some areas, I believe it is the best thing they could've taught me. I have a job, I have my friends, I have my doubts! Amontillado!
Monday, December 11, 2006
Grapefruit from a Bramble Bush
But he continued, "You are from below; I am from above. You are of this world; I am not of this world..." John 8:23
Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will. Romans 12:2
You have to ask yourself: How does one conform to the pattern of this world? Is it by cursing and sexual frankness? Is it by conforming to the will of a despotic government? Is it by being passive about an indecent war?
Or is it about seeking God which is not the pattern of this world. The pattern of this world that Paul was talking about, I believe, is merely the ideas that are put forth and the ones that we passively accept. Am I of this world because I am sexually frank and I curse like a sailor? No. I am not. Because I seek God with all my heart, and have him as my undercurrent in everything that I do. From women to whitewashing. I praise God for all he giveth and taketh. Ergo, I am not of this world, despite however much I sodomize your moral high-horse. We are one and the same with different tactics.
And does that really surprise you? That a socialist Christian has a different tact than a Republican one who thinks the line of morality to draw in the sand is far before what it should be?
Jesus said we are of this world, we are from below, and there is no changing that. The problem is that people think that not conforming to the patterns of this world means not cursing and being naive whereas I come from the disposition that it is not that, but rather the idea that the patterns of this world are greed and lust and rage and malice and deceit. To not conform to the world is to not conform to those ideals. We are all a slave to our sin, but is swearing a sin? No. Is talking about cunnilingus a sin? No.
Perhaps all the morality is to veil a paper thin faith, making it easier to proclaim to the world that you are a Christian. It's a lot easier to be passive and quiet and naive (as most of the non-cursors are) rather than to dissent. I will fucking dissent. I will sodomize your moral high-horse and come away still a Christian, still as "non-conformed" as any of you. But I am free. And I am honest. And I believe in God the father and Jesus as his son. And I will proclaim this until the day I die.
Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will. Romans 12:2
You have to ask yourself: How does one conform to the pattern of this world? Is it by cursing and sexual frankness? Is it by conforming to the will of a despotic government? Is it by being passive about an indecent war?
Or is it about seeking God which is not the pattern of this world. The pattern of this world that Paul was talking about, I believe, is merely the ideas that are put forth and the ones that we passively accept. Am I of this world because I am sexually frank and I curse like a sailor? No. I am not. Because I seek God with all my heart, and have him as my undercurrent in everything that I do. From women to whitewashing. I praise God for all he giveth and taketh. Ergo, I am not of this world, despite however much I sodomize your moral high-horse. We are one and the same with different tactics.
And does that really surprise you? That a socialist Christian has a different tact than a Republican one who thinks the line of morality to draw in the sand is far before what it should be?
Jesus said we are of this world, we are from below, and there is no changing that. The problem is that people think that not conforming to the patterns of this world means not cursing and being naive whereas I come from the disposition that it is not that, but rather the idea that the patterns of this world are greed and lust and rage and malice and deceit. To not conform to the world is to not conform to those ideals. We are all a slave to our sin, but is swearing a sin? No. Is talking about cunnilingus a sin? No.
Perhaps all the morality is to veil a paper thin faith, making it easier to proclaim to the world that you are a Christian. It's a lot easier to be passive and quiet and naive (as most of the non-cursors are) rather than to dissent. I will fucking dissent. I will sodomize your moral high-horse and come away still a Christian, still as "non-conformed" as any of you. But I am free. And I am honest. And I believe in God the father and Jesus as his son. And I will proclaim this until the day I die.
Saturday, December 09, 2006
Refused Party Program
I trust God more than I trust people. But, then I have about zero trust in people, and anything times zero is zero.
Does that mean I do not trust God? in that I don't trust his pan-ultimate creation?
I think this world is bullshit anyway. I think Christians are far too often naive and full of themselves (Except Keagy. She's just nice.). But, like I said before, I just hate their whole ontological and theosophical nihilism. And their overman. Wasn't Christ of the people?
And why is "fuck" such a bad word? I can see the degradating effects of "cunt" in certain circumstances. But fuck? So the fuck what? it's a passing four letter. And shit is angry. No divinely negative connotation. Spic, gook, Nigger, etc, I can see the beef with, along with cunt. But why fuck?
"In the wake of our existence. In our parades, and in our dances. Touch, see, and behold: the wisdom of the Party Programme. Essential in our lifetime and irresistable in our touch, the great spirits proclaiming that, 'Capitalism is indeed organized crime. And we are all the victims." -Refused.
Does that mean I do not trust God? in that I don't trust his pan-ultimate creation?
I think this world is bullshit anyway. I think Christians are far too often naive and full of themselves (Except Keagy. She's just nice.). But, like I said before, I just hate their whole ontological and theosophical nihilism. And their overman. Wasn't Christ of the people?
And why is "fuck" such a bad word? I can see the degradating effects of "cunt" in certain circumstances. But fuck? So the fuck what? it's a passing four letter. And shit is angry. No divinely negative connotation. Spic, gook, Nigger, etc, I can see the beef with, along with cunt. But why fuck?
"In the wake of our existence. In our parades, and in our dances. Touch, see, and behold: the wisdom of the Party Programme. Essential in our lifetime and irresistable in our touch, the great spirits proclaiming that, 'Capitalism is indeed organized crime. And we are all the victims." -Refused.
Thursday, December 07, 2006
Abraham Lincoln was the Great Emancipator.
An Empty Garlic by Rumi (Translated by Coleman Barks)
"You miss the garden,
because you want a small fig from a random tree,
You don't meet the beautiful woman.
You're joking with an old crone.
It makes me want to cry how she detains you,
stinking mouthed, with a hundred talons,
putting her head over the roof edge to call down,
tasteless fig, fold over fold, empty
as dry-rotten garlic.
"She has you tight by the belt,
even though there's no flower and no milk
inside her body.
Death will open your eyes
to what her face is: leather spine
of a black lizard. No more advice.
"Let yourself be silently drawn
by the stronger pull of what you really love."
What I thought was interesting was that final stanza. "What you really love." not "Who you really love." I began to dwell on who I love, if it's anyone that I know. If it's she, then she has no nourishment and she's deflowered. It is not she. Then I began to think about what I love. And how I love it. I neglect my writing for the fey pressures of life and boredom. I struggle a lot from boredom. And mixing that with a big, empty house, I have nothing to be done. 11 hours a week at my job and I do not love it.
Is the what that I love actually she? Or is the what that ufailing, easy answer. The what is God. But that is too obvious. Writing? Obvious. Film, baseball, theology, rational argument, thinking.
You don't meet the beautiful woman. Not women. Singularly beautiful woman. Not women. And who is she if not she whom I know? Am I too young to know? I mean, the triumverate of potentials that I know don't seem to want me back, and then, if that is the case, is that singly beautiful woman going to never walk into my life because I am too shy?
but what do I love? Silently, quietly, what do I love? Spooning. Oh, it's that easy.
No, no. beyond the jokes, the humor--laughter. I love laughter. I love to laugh. I love music.
Is that what itself my damn-near-hostile obsession with love? Is it all those hopeless romantic thoughts that often decay my mood unto loneliness and bare-boned anonymity?
The what's, the loves, the singulars, and Oh I feel so old.
"You miss the garden,
because you want a small fig from a random tree,
You don't meet the beautiful woman.
You're joking with an old crone.
It makes me want to cry how she detains you,
stinking mouthed, with a hundred talons,
putting her head over the roof edge to call down,
tasteless fig, fold over fold, empty
as dry-rotten garlic.
"She has you tight by the belt,
even though there's no flower and no milk
inside her body.
Death will open your eyes
to what her face is: leather spine
of a black lizard. No more advice.
"Let yourself be silently drawn
by the stronger pull of what you really love."
What I thought was interesting was that final stanza. "What you really love." not "Who you really love." I began to dwell on who I love, if it's anyone that I know. If it's she, then she has no nourishment and she's deflowered. It is not she. Then I began to think about what I love. And how I love it. I neglect my writing for the fey pressures of life and boredom. I struggle a lot from boredom. And mixing that with a big, empty house, I have nothing to be done. 11 hours a week at my job and I do not love it.
Is the what that I love actually she? Or is the what that ufailing, easy answer. The what is God. But that is too obvious. Writing? Obvious. Film, baseball, theology, rational argument, thinking.
You don't meet the beautiful woman. Not women. Singularly beautiful woman. Not women. And who is she if not she whom I know? Am I too young to know? I mean, the triumverate of potentials that I know don't seem to want me back, and then, if that is the case, is that singly beautiful woman going to never walk into my life because I am too shy?
but what do I love? Silently, quietly, what do I love? Spooning. Oh, it's that easy.
No, no. beyond the jokes, the humor--laughter. I love laughter. I love to laugh. I love music.
Is that what itself my damn-near-hostile obsession with love? Is it all those hopeless romantic thoughts that often decay my mood unto loneliness and bare-boned anonymity?
The what's, the loves, the singulars, and Oh I feel so old.
Wednesday, December 06, 2006
File under: Worry; Easy Listening.
My finals start tomorrow. And I'm worried. I don't know why I'm worrying, but I am. I've been acing all the motherfuckers this season, so I have nothing to worry about. But, still, I suffer from Liberal Jewish Paranoia, even though I'm a negligible 1\64th Jewish. I guess my Jewish qualities still shine through though. With pride, of course.
I want to go to the Bay Area--Frisco, Berkeley, Santa Cruz. But I don't know why. There's a certain allure about the cities, I guess. I want ot get published, but I don't write enough short fiction. Or long fiction. I've written maybe one or two stories a YEAR. Maybe I should batton down the hatches? But non-fiction is a lot easier, I've realized. Maybe I'm supposed to be a journalist? Or a social Critic? Because my older stories seem to be stale and shit-riddled. I was a cocky, egotistic, motherfucker with no self-esteem, and that shows through by the protagonists. And the protagonists all die. I think that was my way of saying, "I am not ego." It was my own self-denial, my killing off myself. And it's probably also directly connected to my often-feeling of not wanting to live anymore. That's pretty typical, especially when the worry gets to be too much. I even bought a knife today, for work. And I began to think, "it's gonna get easier to bleed this way, you know."
But I'm tangled in the reins and lost in the love of God. My purpose hasn't been fulfilled, I haven't been actualized yet. It's all fucking coming.
And I want it now.
I want love, especially. I want to go on dates, I want to take girls out, I want to find love. But I'm so caught up in my own idealism and shyness and fear that no one will ever love me in "that way" that I can't say anything to any girl about that. As art fades, form appears. I want a lover, an editor, a critic, a friend, a supporter, a lean-to, a house, a home. I want too much of girls my age. I want too much of myself at this age. I want everything now, and I have no patience.
We've discussed this before, you and I. The whole idea of my impatience. I'm only 18 for Christ's sake. But, at the same time, I want to cry because I know in my heart of hearts that I won't hold another girl with love and affection for another few years.
Hopeless romantic idealism. And Liberal Jewish Paranoia. They obviously don't mix. But when they do, you get a mess like myself.
"How're you?"
"I'm decent."
"Well, that's a change."
What the hell is that supposed to mean?
I want to go to the Bay Area--Frisco, Berkeley, Santa Cruz. But I don't know why. There's a certain allure about the cities, I guess. I want ot get published, but I don't write enough short fiction. Or long fiction. I've written maybe one or two stories a YEAR. Maybe I should batton down the hatches? But non-fiction is a lot easier, I've realized. Maybe I'm supposed to be a journalist? Or a social Critic? Because my older stories seem to be stale and shit-riddled. I was a cocky, egotistic, motherfucker with no self-esteem, and that shows through by the protagonists. And the protagonists all die. I think that was my way of saying, "I am not ego." It was my own self-denial, my killing off myself. And it's probably also directly connected to my often-feeling of not wanting to live anymore. That's pretty typical, especially when the worry gets to be too much. I even bought a knife today, for work. And I began to think, "it's gonna get easier to bleed this way, you know."
But I'm tangled in the reins and lost in the love of God. My purpose hasn't been fulfilled, I haven't been actualized yet. It's all fucking coming.
And I want it now.
I want love, especially. I want to go on dates, I want to take girls out, I want to find love. But I'm so caught up in my own idealism and shyness and fear that no one will ever love me in "that way" that I can't say anything to any girl about that. As art fades, form appears. I want a lover, an editor, a critic, a friend, a supporter, a lean-to, a house, a home. I want too much of girls my age. I want too much of myself at this age. I want everything now, and I have no patience.
We've discussed this before, you and I. The whole idea of my impatience. I'm only 18 for Christ's sake. But, at the same time, I want to cry because I know in my heart of hearts that I won't hold another girl with love and affection for another few years.
Hopeless romantic idealism. And Liberal Jewish Paranoia. They obviously don't mix. But when they do, you get a mess like myself.
"How're you?"
"I'm decent."
"Well, that's a change."
What the hell is that supposed to mean?
Tuesday, December 05, 2006
Traditional Chinese Medicine in Omaha
The paradox of buying a packaged knife is that you need a knife to open the knife. But if you buy yet another packaged knife to open the first, you need a third to then open the two. The moral? Use your fucking teeth.
I guess the reason why I haven't killed myself yet is directly tied to the fact that I've killed myself multiple times in many of my stories. All the early ones result in my death, me as the narrator, or me as the protagonist. And, to quote various zombie movies, "How do you kill something that's already dead?"
It's a less harmful form of self-flaggelation.
I guess the reason why I haven't killed myself yet is directly tied to the fact that I've killed myself multiple times in many of my stories. All the early ones result in my death, me as the narrator, or me as the protagonist. And, to quote various zombie movies, "How do you kill something that's already dead?"
It's a less harmful form of self-flaggelation.
So, nobody purchased The Fall issue of We are all Serial Killers. So what am I doing? I'm making a 2nd volume, goddammit. And I'll tell you why. because I might make this one at Kinko's. And it'll be cheaper that way, I think. Hopefully, we'll see.
And it'll be a lot more magazine-esque. I'm willing to take SERIOUS submissions--art scans in B&W (B&W printing is way cheaper), B&W photography, essays.
And it can be of anything, you know me. Open to anything. Except pornographic. If there's nudity, at least make it classy. :)
That is that. Follow the link to Volume one to see what's in it, and buy it for God's sake. It's only 45 cents for the PDF. And having a Lulu account doesn't hurt anyone. Make your own books.
Buy Volume 1 and get excited for Volume 2.
And it'll be a lot more magazine-esque. I'm willing to take SERIOUS submissions--art scans in B&W (B&W printing is way cheaper), B&W photography, essays.
And it can be of anything, you know me. Open to anything. Except pornographic. If there's nudity, at least make it classy. :)
That is that. Follow the link to Volume one to see what's in it, and buy it for God's sake. It's only 45 cents for the PDF. And having a Lulu account doesn't hurt anyone. Make your own books.
Buy Volume 1 and get excited for Volume 2.
Saturday, December 02, 2006
S-S-S-Sabotage!
Christians caught up in their own ontological and theosophical nihilism. We've all seen it. They're the ones with the stories about accidental swear words. And me in the backseat can only say, "I have no story for my disposition is to swear like a sailor." They're the ones holed up in a niche of--more like a small crack--of culture that is poorly written and poorly composed. All the Christian music I hear, save a few exceptions, and all Christian literature I've read, save very few exceptions, has been shit. There's no way around that word. "Crap" is too white-washed and euphemistically silly. "Crud" is all the worse. "Poop?" "Terrible?" No. I want a word that is associated with that which comes out of my anus. Shit shit shit. Now, admittedly, I hate 90-97% of all existence anyway, so maybe my stance has no validity. But the fact that they're willing to sacrifice something's validity because it's "vulgar?"! Oh dear sweet Christ how shelled you are. What is life without vulgarity? What is honesty and integrity with that veil protecting you from things people should be honest about.
They are caught up in a naive being. Maybe they don't prioritize or necessitate seeing or knowing what 90-97% of this world consists of. Maybe they don't see the need to know their fellow brethren?
That's naive, pious, shit. Shit I will not stand for.
I can't tell my Christian friends that I masturbate, I can't tell them about my struggles. Because it's taboo and it's "icky." Icky? Are you fucking children? Or just... fucking children. It's frustrating that I can't be honest around Christians, because my life is icky.
But show me someone more devout than I am? Consider everything I've been through, all the things that should have caused me to fall away and onto that broad path. Come back and tell me that I am no Christian because I swear. Come back and tell me I am no Christian because I am constantly attempting to humble myself in the face of honesty, integrity, and, often, embarassment.
Be not afraid for the World is yours, oh Children of God!
They are caught up in a naive being. Maybe they don't prioritize or necessitate seeing or knowing what 90-97% of this world consists of. Maybe they don't see the need to know their fellow brethren?
That's naive, pious, shit. Shit I will not stand for.
I can't tell my Christian friends that I masturbate, I can't tell them about my struggles. Because it's taboo and it's "icky." Icky? Are you fucking children? Or just... fucking children. It's frustrating that I can't be honest around Christians, because my life is icky.
But show me someone more devout than I am? Consider everything I've been through, all the things that should have caused me to fall away and onto that broad path. Come back and tell me that I am no Christian because I swear. Come back and tell me I am no Christian because I am constantly attempting to humble myself in the face of honesty, integrity, and, often, embarassment.
Be not afraid for the World is yours, oh Children of God!
Friday, December 01, 2006
Something to Chew on
So Buddhism and a few a others believe in reincarnation and enlightenment, right? The whole idea of cyclical thought, where everything comes back around until your soul is finally enlightened.
Christianity, however, believes in the one-life-to-live, get rich or die tryin', straight and narrow path of life. Hm.
I state this because I had to write a paper on self-realization and how enlightenment cuts that cycle short, like a slingshot, catapulting you into heaven. A cycle cut open is a straight and narrow line. See what I'm getting at?
Maybe Christianity is the enlightenment all Buddhists are seeking: that path straight to heaven, that one life, not restarting, and being on a one way to Heaven. The only rebirth a Christian ever faces is when he turns around and says, "I and the Father are one," and accepts Christ into their heart. That's all the rebirth we need. That's it. And then we have cut short the cycle--say, we didn't hit the home run, but we got the hit, the double, the triple--and are catapulted at our eternal father in love, faith, and humility.
Christianity is enlightenment for all.
Christianity, however, believes in the one-life-to-live, get rich or die tryin', straight and narrow path of life. Hm.
I state this because I had to write a paper on self-realization and how enlightenment cuts that cycle short, like a slingshot, catapulting you into heaven. A cycle cut open is a straight and narrow line. See what I'm getting at?
Maybe Christianity is the enlightenment all Buddhists are seeking: that path straight to heaven, that one life, not restarting, and being on a one way to Heaven. The only rebirth a Christian ever faces is when he turns around and says, "I and the Father are one," and accepts Christ into their heart. That's all the rebirth we need. That's it. And then we have cut short the cycle--say, we didn't hit the home run, but we got the hit, the double, the triple--and are catapulted at our eternal father in love, faith, and humility.
Christianity is enlightenment for all.
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