My finals start tomorrow. And I'm worried. I don't know why I'm worrying, but I am. I've been acing all the motherfuckers this season, so I have nothing to worry about. But, still, I suffer from Liberal Jewish Paranoia, even though I'm a negligible 1\64th Jewish. I guess my Jewish qualities still shine through though. With pride, of course.
I want to go to the Bay Area--Frisco, Berkeley, Santa Cruz. But I don't know why. There's a certain allure about the cities, I guess. I want ot get published, but I don't write enough short fiction. Or long fiction. I've written maybe one or two stories a YEAR. Maybe I should batton down the hatches? But non-fiction is a lot easier, I've realized. Maybe I'm supposed to be a journalist? Or a social Critic? Because my older stories seem to be stale and shit-riddled. I was a cocky, egotistic, motherfucker with no self-esteem, and that shows through by the protagonists. And the protagonists all die. I think that was my way of saying, "I am not ego." It was my own self-denial, my killing off myself. And it's probably also directly connected to my often-feeling of not wanting to live anymore. That's pretty typical, especially when the worry gets to be too much. I even bought a knife today, for work. And I began to think, "it's gonna get easier to bleed this way, you know."
But I'm tangled in the reins and lost in the love of God. My purpose hasn't been fulfilled, I haven't been actualized yet. It's all fucking coming.
And I want it now.
I want love, especially. I want to go on dates, I want to take girls out, I want to find love. But I'm so caught up in my own idealism and shyness and fear that no one will ever love me in "that way" that I can't say anything to any girl about that. As art fades, form appears. I want a lover, an editor, a critic, a friend, a supporter, a lean-to, a house, a home. I want too much of girls my age. I want too much of myself at this age. I want everything now, and I have no patience.
We've discussed this before, you and I. The whole idea of my impatience. I'm only 18 for Christ's sake. But, at the same time, I want to cry because I know in my heart of hearts that I won't hold another girl with love and affection for another few years.
Hopeless romantic idealism. And Liberal Jewish Paranoia. They obviously don't mix. But when they do, you get a mess like myself.
"How're you?"
"I'm decent."
"Well, that's a change."
What the hell is that supposed to mean?
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i didn't know you wrote fictional stories....i would like to read them some time...well love is a very tricky and scary thing, but you cannot go looking for it or even hunt for it, because you will only set up hopes and expectations which somestimes just fail. it will come when you least expect it, now i know thats bullshit because EVERYONE says it, but its the truth, she might be there now, but you just don't see her, or you might meet her in 2 3 4 5 years, but when it comes, even then you have doubts in your mind asking your self "is it her?" when it does happen you will feel right, i am sure you know that, and i understand you when you say like "im 18 i have to be patience, but i want everything now!!" because i find myself always thinking that too, but whenever i have gone looking for "love" or even someone to possibly have a realtionship with i always get hurt or come up empty handed, so i have learned to wait and just let it happen, it might take longer and suck balls, but there is not more i can do...ok no more me lol, but yea i dunno everything i said could have been BS to you, but mieh i got nothing to lose....lol we should another one of those walks arounbd campus or like over coffee and cookies and talk again..later
Jasmine
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